Food Modesty

I'm currently tying this while trying to eat yogurt with half my mouth completely numb after some long overdue dental work (at least the dentist said it was long overdue).  It's a fun experience I tell you. 

Meanwhile, I'm also guest-posting over on Joanna's wonderful blog, Wrapped in Engaged Bliss.   Joanna is a crunchy, Catholic, animal-lover like myself.  She writes about modesty, saints and NFP among other fun things.  Check her out!

And, check out my post on Food Modesty!

My "Controversial" Sunday Outfit...and Some Non-Controversial Questions.

So, Tusday's post of this week turned out to be somewhat controversial....which was totally to be expected.  Friday's post however was decidedly not controversial, which was also to be expected. 

However, my brother said that no controversy = no fun, so I promised him a controversial Sunday outfit.  

This was the best I could do.

Linking up with FLAP

First of all...lime and pink and a weird pose? 

 My own daughters did not approve of the color combination.

"Pink doesn't match green, Mom" 

So, I was all daring with my color combination.

And, sleeveless in church?? I know some people don't approve of that either...but I personally have no problem with a sleeveless top depnding on the cut of it.  I wouldn't wear a tank top to church but sleeveless is fine with me.  I'll begrudgingly follow modesty guidelines if they are posted, but I will also admit that I'm not a fan of them. 

Here are my thoughts on modesty. 

And, here is a thought-provoking post from my friend Martha. 

  Now, for some more questions from Kenda.

1. What do you still want to do this summer?

Well, I would like to get Elsa fully out of diapers before her 2nd birthday on September 11th (probably not going to happen).  And, even more than that, I would like my husband to find a good, full-time paying job before the end the summer (he managed to come up with pro-bono, part-time legal work, but you know...we kinda need money.  That's what I want..anyway...not sure if it will happen. 

I've never really had a summer bucket list and my ideal summer would basically look just like the rest of the year, but with swimming and the occasional family visit and reunion thrown in. 

2. What's your favorite kind of pie?

My philosophy of dessert is that if it's not chocolate, it's not worth it.  So, I guess I would say that chocolate pie is my favorite.

3. How much sleep do you need each day? How much do you get?

I need about 8 hours. Usually I do get around that much. 

4. Do you prefer to swim in a pool, lake, river, or ocean?

I prefer to not swim at all, but if I have to (like to keep a toddler from drowning herself)...I much, much prefer a pool.  I hate seaweed and icky things like that. Plus the ocean is always cold.   Lakes are okay, but there's fish and plants and lots of times the bottom is slimy. 

5. Do you know any poems by heart?

Yes...I know the ones that John memorized last year for Kindergarten. I don't know the girl's poems though..they memorized them on their own without help. 

6. Do you use the public library?

Are there people who actually don't use the public library?  I love the library.  One of the first things we do when we move is get a library card. And, I've learned the trick of getting one for each of my older kids.  That way if one card gets black-listed, we can use another one (did I just admit that??).  Don't worry..I still pay the fine...eventually. And, I still use library cards from Florida and Rhode Island to check out e-books. 

I actually really love the library where we live now.  The main library is HUGE with a great selection.  I found some new books from my favorite authors and so far we've been able to find most of the books that the girls need for school.  Plus they have chess club and free homeschool art lessons and a bunch of other activities that seem cool.  So yes...we use the library. 

My Journey Towards Attractiveness

Last Sunday I posted about modesty, and mentioned a piece of advice I read.

Dress to be attractive, but not provocative. 

I covered the provocative part last week, but merely touched on the attractive part.  Dressing to be attractive has been a long, learning curve for me. 

When I was a kid, I basically learned how to dress from this book.

Sad, I know.  My parents were/are completely uninterested in fashion or clothing and didn't teach teach us anything about clothes, beyond the whole wear clothes that are clean, modest and not raggedy.

My senior picture in high school involved me wearing something plaid.  Plaid????!!!  Really???  In my defense, plaid was all the rage in the mid-1990's at my suburban New England high school.   Those were the grunge days after all. 

I'd post it, but I don't want to scare you all.  Plus, I'm too lazy to scan it from my yearbook, never mind that I don't even know where my yearbook is.

Anyway, it's been a long journey for me to figure out how to dress in an attractive manner.  There have been lots of bumps along the way.  And, we won't talk about my bra less, hippie phrase where I was convinced that bras cause breast cancer.  Yeah.

So, okay..moving on. 

The most important thing I have learned about dress, is to dress in a manner that is flattering to your body type.   Not for the body type you want, or the body type you used to have, but the body type you currently have.   And, that changes.  

Before, I had kids, I really liked the look of a fitted, turtle-neck sweater.  Like this.

And, I still like that style, but it just doesn't look as flattering on someone, who thanks to pregnancy and many combined years of breastfeeding, has mammary glands of the rather large variety.  It just doesn't. Something with a v-neck or more scooped neck is more flattering.

The length is great though.  I've learned that I really need skirts and sweaters with more length that go past the hips.   Ones that end right at the hips, just don't look good on me, because my hips tend to be the widest part of me.  I spent too many years wearing too short shirts before I figured that out.

And, I really like this style of skirt.

But, I just don't feel that it is as flattering on someone (such as myself) with larger hips. 

So, I tend to stick with more straight skirts or skirts that flare out/pleat below the hips, instead of right on the hips.

I've also had to do some Internet research into selecting the right pair of jeans for your body type, so as the avoid the dreaded "mom jeans" look.   If you search around, you can find some good information.  I think the biggest thing is just to avoid jeans that are too baggy or have too small pockets that are placed too high up. 

Learning about colors hasn't been as hard.  I have an olive skin tone and even as a teenager I noticed that certain colors are more flattering, so I tended to stick with those colors (for me, things like black, white, brown, red and dark pinks or purples, while shying away from things like pastels, which don't look good with my skin tone. 

And hair.  Oh hair..has been a learning curve.  I have hair that tends to get very frizzy and curly in humidity. And, I have spent most of my life living in a very humid climate. Sometimes I think I should just move to Arizona and solve my hair problems once and for all.   I'm too lazy to blow-dry or straighten my hair, so I've just been on a quest to find hair products that actually eliminate and control the frizz. 

This is the best I found (along with their conditioner).  And, no one better comment about sulphates or dangerous, toxic ingredients in shampoos, because I have my fingers in my ears and I'm not listening. ;)

Make-Up. I've had to basically figure out make-up all for myself.  I don't wear a ton, but do usually wear foundation (yes, it is a non-toxic, mineral brand, so you can all breathe easier on that).  Occasionally some lip gloss, eye shadow or blush, but foundation is basically my staple.   All, this has been a major learning curve for me, because I grew up basically knowing nothing about make-up or clothes or anything like that.

And, I'm still pretty clueless when it comes to accessories.  And nails...I have no idea how to have nice nails. I think that is going to be my next area to tackle. 

I'm definitely not a fashion plate, but over the last few years, I've been striving more and more to look more and more "put together."  I don't think it is beneficial to run around looked ragged and frumpy all the time. I think many people have this stereotype of moms always looking tired, haggard and dumpy, which makes the idea of having kids or having several kids, not all that appealing.  I'm hoping by putting slightly more effort into my appearance, I can help others see how great having multiple kids can be....and that it's not necessarily a sure-fire way to frumpdom. 

So....with that in mind.  How did I do today?  I'm linking up with Fine Linen and Purple, for What I Wore Sunday. 

I'm sure the shirt-tied-in-front look is so last year (or last decade or something) but I really like this white shirt, and it is just a tad too big for me to wear unless I belt it or tie it or do something to make it a bit more flattering. 

Modesty - Let Me Tell You How to Dress

So - Modesty...a rather hot topic, no?

Well...let me sum up how you should dress in only seven words.   

Dress to be attractive, but not provocative. 

Unfortunately I did not come up with that myself ...I read it in Beyond the Birds and the Bees, Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.  Good book...you should read it.

Someone...not sure who, could have been Marilyn Monroe, or Edith Head or some totally different person (the Internets disagree) once said A Dress Should Be Tight Enough to Show You're A Woman, but Loose Enough to Prove You're A Lady.   

Kinda along those same lines, right?

Anyway, then the question comes up....where does the line fall, when it comes to provocative dress. 

I propose that the answer to that question depends on two factors

1). The intent of the person wearing the clothing.

2). The intent of the person designing/manufacturing/sewing the clothing.

Some clothing is designed with the intent to be provocative. Like this,

Or a super low cut shirt with a deep, deep, deep v-neck that goes down to the belly button.

Or a pair of yoga pants with the words "hot stuff" printed on the butt. 

And, some clothing is worn with the intent to be provocative.   But, since this is a family friendly blog, I'm not going to show you a picture of that. I think you know what I'm talking about. 

But, everything else, there is a lot of gray area.  And, really, I think it's depends on the intent of the wearer and their body type.  Things like tank tops, leggings, sleeveless shirt, short skirts....look totally different on different people.  For example. a person who is smaller chested is better able to "pull off" a tank top than someone who is more well-endowed (such as me).

And someone (like me) who is well-endowed and always carrying around a toddler that has a tendency to pull on the front of your shirt may have a tendency to show a bit more than wanted thanks to the tugging toddler, and that is okay, because nothings says not provocative like a baby pulling on you.  I try to wear clothes that cover more, but I'm not going to sweat it, if it happens.   I once read a blog post/comments where the writer and reader were afraid to wear knee-length "swingy" skirts because the chance gust of wind could come along and blow things up.  Who cares, says I.   Not that we shouldn't try to keep ourselves covered, but I'm not going to go around worrying about chance gusts of wind.  

Furthermore, context also matters.  

Something like this is totally appropriate for the beach and totally inappropriate for church.

Now, let's look at what the Catholic Church teaches us about modesty. 

“2522 Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one’s choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet.

2523 There is a modesty of the feelings as well as of the body. It protests, for example, against the voyeuristic explorations of the human body in certain advertisements, or against the solicitations of certain media that go too far in the exhibition of intimate things. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies.

2524 The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person.”

I love how the catechism talks about the purpose of modesty....that it protects the dignity of the person.

I also love how it talks about modesty being discreet.  Because modesty is more than just about how much skin is showing.   I think one could also be immodest if they are totally covered but dress in such wild, unusual way that their goal is to draw undue attention to themselves.  There is of course, nothing wrong with expressing your personal taste or individuality, but there is something wrong with always dressing with the purpose of everyone look at me. 

Notice, however, that it says that the forms of modesty vary from culture to culture.  I really started to question my preconceived notions about modesty when we moved to Florida.  Because, in many ways, Florida is a different culture than New England.   What is appropriate in a climate where it is 95 degrees and 10000% humidity for most of the year is going to be different from what is appropriate in a climate where it rarely gets above 85.  It just is. An article of clothing which would be considered provacative in New England, would not necessarily be considered so in Florida.

I think this is also important to keep in mind when you have people who think all women should go back to dressing the way they did in the 1800's and cover up any possible clue they are a woman by wearing long, high-necked, shapeless clothes.  We don't live in the 1800's..and what was considered provocative back then is considered totally normal now.

Modesty is an important value to have and teach our children...but I do see one problem with the so-called "modesty culture" which I think is totally different from the church's teaching on modesty.

Let's take this video, put out by some fairly talented boys from the Mormon church.

However, I take issue with the line Girl, I Need Your Modesty. 

In Christopher West's book, The Theology of the Body for Beginners  he talks about "negative purity" and "positive purity."  Negative purity prevents the sin of lust by not looking, by so-called custody of the eyes.   And, that is good, and that why we need to protect our dignity by dressing modesty.   But, he says we should go beyond that, that being able to look without lust is the higher virtue and what we should be striving for,

The problem with a lot of "modesty culture" as I see it, is that it teaches boys that they are helpless and turn into lust-driven fools at the sight of too much skin, so those temptress girls need to be covered up.  But, the thing is, people generally act the way you expect them to.  Tell a child they are stupid or bad and they will act stupid and bad.  Tell a boy that he is a slave to his hormones and he will become a slave to his hormones.   We can do better than that.  We HAVE to do better than that.  In our sex-crazed, pornographic culture, the "don't look" doesn't cut it anymore, unless you never leave your house and never get on the Internet.   We need to teach our girls to dress modestly to protect their dignity and value, and we need to teach our boys to see the dignity and value of the girls no matter what they are wearing. 

Another issue I have with this above video (not to pick on the Mormons or anything) is the line

Virtue is so beautiful.  

Yes, virtue is beautiful, but again, it seems to imply that a girl's value and dignity is dependent on the way she dresses and if she meets this guys standard of "modesty".  As though girls who don't meet this guys standards are not beautiful, and don't have dignity.  Even worse, as though as long as a girl meets his standards of modesty, she is virtuous, even if she is also lazy, unkind and dishonest. Virtue is not dependent on what you wear, but rather how you act and treat others. 

Yes, we have to respect human nature being what it is.  But, we aren't animals.  We aren't a slave to our hormones and passions.  We have to be prudent and decent and discreet and wise, but we can't just say "oh, I can't help myself so every girl around needs to cover up."  Modesty is a two way street..and it's not just up to the girls. 

So..now that we've covered the "not provocative part"...what about the "be attractive part."  No, I don't think this means we have to wear a ballgown and a tiara every day.  But, I do think it means we should at least make an effort to dress in clothes that are well-kept, clean, flattering and fit well.   Hopefully I meet that, at least some of the time.  You can judge for yourself today.

Since we're talking about clothes and it's Sunday and all that good stuff.  I'm linking up with Fine Linen and Purple for What I Wore Sunday.   Here is my hopefully, modest picture.

Ignore the bad hair and the crazy kids.