Why I Don't Spank

According to my records, it has been about a month since I last blogged.

So, I figured the best thing to do would be to jump right in again with a controversial post.   Of course.  That makes total sense.   Blame it on pregnancy brain.

Anyway, a recent article is making the rounds about research from the University of Texas stating that spanking harms children. 

Before anyone starts throwing tomatoes at me, I'm not saying that parents who spank are abusive or anything like that. I'm NOT judging anyone else.  I'm just stating why I choose not to spank my children. 

Spanking vs. Yelling. (Note, by yelling, I'm not talking about insults or anything like that. Just speaking in a louder/sharper tone of voice).   I've heard a lot of parents say that they spank their children so they won't yell at them so much.  And yes, I agree, yelling is not good.  But there is a fundamental difference between yelling and spanking.  Spanking is a deliberate, conscious act.   Yelling is almost never a deliberate action. Therefore, I find yelling much more forgivable.  Everyone yells at times.  Even Jesus got angry and overturned the money changers in the temple.  I can forgive someone yelling at me, but hitting is much less forgivable (although of course we should forgive everyone). 

Hitting is Not Okay.  I don't want my children to think it's okay to hit someone or be hit by someone.  Now obviously, most kids who were spanked do not grow up to be abusive people, nor do most kids who are spanked end up in an abusive relationship.  BUT, I think kids who are not spanked have LESS likelihood of either of those situations.  I have 3 daughters on the outside and one on the inside and while I can't speak for the unborn one's personality, the three born ones have very little chance of ever ending up in abusive relationship.  They would not put up with it.  They tend to speak up (very loudly) if they ever feel they are being treated unfairly.  I think spanking *may* diminish a person's natural inclination to speak up for themselves and not put up with stuff like that.  We tell our kids that hitting is wrong, so I never felt it was okay to say that hitting is wrong unless it's a person in authority doing it and then it's good.   Or hitting is wrong unless you "deserve" it and then it is okay. 

I Don't Want to Raise Sheeple. One of the most important traits a parent can instill in a child is the trait of being independent- not willing to follow the crowd - not a people pleaser - not prone to succumbing to peer pressure type of person.  I once read something along the lines of "The "No" your 3-yo yells at you is the same "No" she's going to yell at her boyfriend when he's pressuring her to do something she feels uncomfortable with."   I don't want to squelch my children's natural strong-wills or "No."  They are going to need that strong-will as an adult. What we need to do is channel it into a strong-will to do the right thing, not squash it into perfect obedience.  Sometimes there is a time for disobedience.  I do think spanking may have a tendency to squelch that strong-will.   While I expect my children to obey, I don't necessarily hold to the "first-time, no questions asked" obedience model.  I'm okay if they ask questions.  I also think that it may be possible that children who are spanked and not allowed to disagree with adults are more susceptible to abuse than children who are stronger willed and have been allowed to "speak their mind."   Predators look for kids who aren't going to fight back and are going to "obey" them.  And there are some people we REALLY don't want our kids to obey.  I don't think children necessarily have the ability to distinguish between good obedience and bad obedience, which is why we focus more on doing the right thing, rather than obedience for the sake of obedience.   Yes, I do expect my kids to obey, but I'm okay with explaining the "why" as well.   Furthermore, I don't want my kids to do something they believe is wrong just to fit in. I want my kids to be the type to walk out of a party where everyone is drinking or dump their boyfriend because he is pressuring them for sex.  I think in order for a kid to do that they need a strong-will, while the goal of spanking seems to be to make kids more compliant and to "lesson" their strong-will.  So far, my kids seem to be fairly resistant to peer pressure and are more than happy to do their own thing without regard to what others are doing.  I consider that to be a very good thing. 

Fear of Punishment/Lying/Motivation.  I have read that spanking doesn't teach kids to do what is right, it just teaches them not to get caught. I don't know if that is true or not, but it makes sense. We do have consequences in our house, but rarely punishments.   Yes, there is a difference. We try to stick with logical/natural consequences.  (ie. You can watch a show after cleaning up/doing chores.  You can use the computer after you finish your schoolwork.  If you fight with your sibling, you need to be separated.   If you can't be good someplace, we need to leave.  If you don't take care of your stuff, it gets broken or lost).  For the most part, we've never really have problems with kids lying/sneaking.  I think if there isn't that fear of punishment, there is less likely to be motivation for lying/sneaking/deceit.  It's a theory that somewhat seems to hold true in my experience anyway. 

Most People aren't Fine.  A lot of people like to say things like "well, I was spanked and I'm fine.".  What they mean by "fine" is that they aren't in jail and are reasonably productive members of society.   But there is a lot more to being "fine" than to just not being in jail and being a productive member of society.  Our society seems to have an almost epidemic of mental issues like depression and anxiety,  relationship difficulties leading to divorces and unhealthy relationships.  Is that all related to spanking?  Of course not.  Could spanking be a factor.  I think it could (and that study seems to say that it is).  I really don't know the answer to that.  But my point is that from what I can see, many people actually aren't "fine."  

Again, I'm not telling anyone what to do or telling anyone how to parent.  I'm not judging anyone.  I have many good friends that I really respect as parents who DO spank.  I'm just trying to explains some of my thoughts of why I don't. We do have discipline in our house and we do expect our kids to do the right thing, but I believe there are more effective ways of teaching that than by spanking. 

How we do screen-time

Screen-time is a big issue with a lot of parents.  How much to allow?  How much is too much?   What to allow?  How do we protect our kids online? 

I think there are good reasons to be concerned. 

Screens are addicting. 

Video games are especially addicting.  People try to justify video game use, and while they do have their plus side, they also ARE addicting.  

They were addicting back when I was kid and Nintendo and Super Mario brothers was all the rage. 

It doesn't take research or scientific studies to know that screens are addicting.  Observation of the human race is all you need. Just look at all the people out everywhere on their phones all the time.   I know from my observing my own self and family members, that they are addicting.  I can remember feeling addicted to Commander Keene, as a kid (anyone else play that game?). I've gone through periods of my time, where I spent more of the day on the computer, rather than off.  It's easy to get lost in a screen.

It's not that computer or screen time is bad.  It's that it can become addicting and turns into the default activity.  It takes the place of other activities....reading books, playing outside, creative pursuits, imaginary play.  If a child (or adult) is bored, or unsure what to do, they default to sitting down in front of a screen for entertainment.

I don't want that for my kids.  

So, this is how we handle it. 

1. Limited time:

Generally our children are limited to 2 hours of screen time a day.  That does not include any time they spend doing schoolwork on the computer. 

2.  Different Time Limits for Different Activities

The time is broken down into two different activities.   Watching a show/movie and general free time.  They are ONLY allowed watch in the evening, after chores are done, from 8:00 PM-9:00 PM.   If they aren't home or aren't done with chores they  miss out on some or all watching time. Small exception for the teenager...she is allowed to stay up later, so she is allowed to start watching later. 

3. Broken up time.

My kids get 1 hour of free time on the computer a day.  This time is broken up into two 30 minutes increments and they have to set the timer for each 30 minute set.   If they want to do two 30 minute sets in a row, they can, as long as a sibling isn't waiting to use the computer. 

4. Different limits for weekdays versus weekends. 

During the week, my kids only have a few activities they are allowed to do during their free time.  Email. chess, writing stories, a math game, and creative stuff (like playing around in paint).  These are (in my opinion) the least addictive computer activities.  Weekends, they are allowed to spend their time on more junky/video game type stuff.  Still limited to just 1 hour a day, and we don't own a video game consoles. However, on weekends, they may play games on say mylittlepony.com or angry birds. Things like that. They aren't allowed to do that during the week. 

5. Protection.

Honestly, we don't have any great protective mechanisms on our computer.  We do keep the computer in a public area, but don't have any web protective things (like K-9) installed. For one thing, I think google search algorithms have improved quite a bit over the last several years.   It is a lot harder to "stumble" on something bad, then it used to be.  Being the paranoid, hypochondriac that I am, I have hours and hours and hours of google search experience, and I have almost never stumbled upon anything bad or problematic.  Things have improved to the point (in my experience at least) that one has to be LOOKING for something bad, it's much harder to just stumble upon it.  

6. Google Safe Search

We do have Safe Search installed.  It's not perfect, but it's good enough to keep kids from stumbling across anything they shouldn't.  The thing I like about Google Safe Search, is that it works silently.  The person doesn't really "know" it's on.  It doesn't create this idea of forbidden fruit.   I really don't want the only reason my kids don't look at porn to be because it's blocked.   I want them to not look at it, because they don't want to and they know it's wrong.  Because some day those are kids are going to be adults and move out, and then no one will be putting blocks on their computers.  I  believe very strong that it's important to do the right thing because it's the right thing, not because you are somehow physically prevented from doing something wrong. 

7.No hand-held screens/ no video games

We just don't have any..  Well, we do have one, very old, broken Ipod that they use to listen to music, but music is about all it's good for.  The screen is cracked and has some sort of other big blotch on it, so playing games or surfing it really out of the question.   Oh...and I guess they do use my cell phone as a camera a lot.  But, that is generally it.  They don't play games on the cell phone.  The only screen they generally use is the chromebook. 

We don't own any video game consoles or things like that....so no wii, or x-box or PlayStation of whatever they have now.   The only games they can play are things on the computer.

How it's working.  For the most part, these limits work very well. My kids no longer fight over whose turn it is to get on the computer. They know they have a limited time, and that is it.  They have become much better at finding other things to do.   They don't race into the house to see who can get onto the computer first.   They spend more time playing other games and less time worrying about the computer. 

What about you?  How do you handle screen time with your kids?

{Calling this my 7QT). 

Letting Go of Mama Guilt in 3 Easy Steps

Mother's Day is fast approaching. 

And I think what most mothers want more than anything is validation that she is a good mom. 

One of the biggest trials of motherhood is that it is rife with guilt. 

Yelled at your kids.  Guilt.

Didn't teach them x, y, or z.  Guilt. 

Spent too much time playing with them...they never learned independence.  Guilt. 

Didn't spend enough time with them.  Guilt. 

Let your son run around the playground with shoes on the wrong feet.  Guilt. 

Let them eat junk food.  Guilt.  

Didn't make happy memories with impromptu ice cream stops.  Guilt. 

Let's face it.  No matter what we do, we're messing up our kids. 

Or not. 

You see...we are imperfect mothers raising imperfect kids. 

So, things are going to get messy at times.  

In the history of all time, there has only ever been one perfect mother who had a perfect child. And the most perfect mother and saintly father actually lost their perfect child in the temple.

  

So, if that can happen to the most perfect mother...just think of all the mishaps that could happen to imperfect us.

Sometimes, our kids will get hurt or feel misunderstood or resent us or make bad choices or not clean their rooms.  And sometimes we'll yell or be impatient or feel like we just can't tolerate  ONE MORE INTERRUPTION or ONE MORE NIGHT WAKING or ONE MORE ACCIDENT.

And we don't need to feel guilty about all that. 

Guilt is about looking backwards.  And we can't change what was, we can only learn from it. 

Mama guilt seems to be almost universal.   We've all done something wrong.  Maybe lots of somethings wrong.  I feel guilty a lot. Maybe you do too. 

Mothering is HARD.  Especially when life gets in the way...which is all the time.    Because there is always something.    

Some trial.  Some difficulty. Something. 

And when that something is wrong....it's hard to be patient and kind and loving.   So, we feel guilty when we fail. 

But we don't have to do that anymore.....feel guilty that is.  We can learn from our mistakes, and look forwards instead of backwards. 

And we can take these 3 easy steps to let go of guilt.

1. Stop reading parenting books.

Parenting books are notorious for being guilt-inducing.  I used to love them, but not so much lately.  Now, I just find them confusing and guilt-inducing so I'm avoiding them, 

2. Stop comparing yourself to others.

Just stop.  We usually only see the good things people show us...and not all the messy, chaotic, difficult parts of their life.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  A wise person once told me that. Although I think Teddy Roosevelt said it originally.  Not that he said it to ME or anything.  I don't commune with the dead. 

3. Catch yourself being good.

It's a common parenting technique.  Catch kids being good.  Well...I say...catch yourself being good.  You answered 50 million questions without losing patience.  Good for you...that's hard.  You didn't grumble through a night-waking..that's an accomplishment.  You read Fox in Socks without tearing your tongue out.  Go you!  It's okay to recognize all the good things we do. 

We're just like our kids.  If we tell ourselves we are good...we will be good.  It actually works.  If I remind myself of all the times I actually am patient...I'm more likely to be patient.  While if I focus on all the times I lose patience and yell...I'm more likely to keep losing patience and yelling.

Give yourself credit for all the peanut butter sandwiches made, and glasses of milk poured and diapers changed and baths given and meals cooked and stories read and questions answered and babies rocked. That counts for a lot.

And it's better to celebrate the good rather than dwell on the bad.

So, drop the guilt.  You deserve it.   

My Thoughts on Free-Range Parenting

Free-range parenting has been in the news lately.   Apparently that is a philosophy where parents let young children (say under 10-12) go places by themselves or be places by themselves.

It's a controversial.  Of course. 

Sometimes the parents get in trouble for it and CPS gets involved.

It's been on my mind lately because we currently live on a busy, major road without sidewalks so really no one, no matter their age, can walk or bike anywhere.   The only way to get someplace is to drive.   However, we will soon live in a place that is more walkable/bikeable, so I've been thinking about how much freedom I will give my kids. 

My natural inclination is to NOT be free-range. 

I didn't grow up "free-range" so the idea of kids going places by themselves is really something I only read about in books, but not something I ever experienced. 

 I grew up on a busy street where walking about would have been quite dangerous and I pretty much didn't go anyplace by myself until I was old enough to drive.  There was basically no place to go.  Maybe I'd go to the neighbor's house (but we weren't really friends with many neighbors), and when I was older (like 14-15) I might have have walked to a nearby super expensive, very trendy toy-store to buy Christmas presents or walk in the tree nursery across the street.  Occasionally I rode my bike to a nearby horse stable but I was at least 14-15 then.   And it wasn't that safe, because riding your bike on narrow 2-lane road with a 25 mph speed limit where people routinely go 50 mph is not that safe. 

But that's it.  I didn't take jaunts to the store or the library.  I didn't walk to/from school. There were no sidewalks or safe places to walk in my town.  I didn't spend hours outside wandering the neighborhood. 

I think that has both good and bad points.

Yes, I was probably a little less independent as a 10-year old than a lot of other 10-year olds. 

However, I also was never exposed to peer pressure.    I'm sure all children who grew up in the 80's and 90's remember drug education in schools. I always thought it was weird, because I never experienced any peer pressure to use drugs or smoke.  Probably because I didn't spend any time really hanging out with other kids in really unsupervised settings.  Not that my parents hovered over us in the backyard or anything....certainly not.  But we didn't go many places where there weren't other adults in charge. 

And once I learned how to drive (at age 16) I was never any less independent than any of my peers.  I definitely don't think that not being able to wander around town by myself at age 9 ever hurt me and by the time I learned how to drive, I was just as independent as the next 16-year old.  

So, I'm not convinced that kids need to wander around freely to have a happy or healthy childhood. 

Although I'm not saying that letting kids be free-range is bad. 

Overall though, I can't imagine that I would feel comfortable letting a 10-year old and 7-year play at a park a mile from home by themselves.

That is outside my comfort zone. 

Don't get my wrong...I don't hover over my kids in the backyard.  But my general philosophy is that if a child is too young to be home alone then they are too young to be out in public alone.   With the exception of short walks going from one place to another...maybe to/from school or to/from a neighbor's house.  But I would not feel comfortable with extended periods of being unsupervised in public places before a child is old enough to be unsupervised at home. 

However, I now have a 13-year old....which changes things considerably and is why I'm left pondering this whole issue. Because thirteen IS old enough. 

So we'll have to see the layout of the land and what things are like before I make any decisions.

There are a lot of factors involved in the decision to let kids "go places" by themselves.

What about you?

Do you have any thoughts on free-range parenting?

Do your kids go places by themselves?

Where?  How far? What age? 

Parenting Win; Parenting Fail

Parenting. You win some.  You lose some.  

I don't know why I included this photo.
Other than the fact that it showed up on my phone and I think it's sorta creepy
Consider it random.. 

Here are some of my wins and losses.

1.

We are always losing pens and NEVER able to find them. NEVER.  Just a few months ago, I bought a bulk order of 60 pens on Amazon.  And within 1 month.  NONE of those 60 pens were anywhere to be found.

So...I started offering the kids 10 cents for each pen they found, picked up and put away in the drawer. 

Now, we have all sorts of pens, ready for use at any time.

Parenting Win

2.

We've been having issues with the kids (ahem...2 kids in particular) fighting a lot.  So, I told them that every time they insulted anyone else, they had to give that person a quarter.

So, then they started fighting about exactly what an insult is and the whole thing lead to major hypersensitivity and a super creative use of the word insult.

You said my drawing isn't good enough to sell for $20. That's an insult, you owe me a quarter.

She said I have chocolate on my face.  That's an insult. 

You said I might lose my book, that's an insult.

Um...no, it's not an insult.  No you don't get a quarter.  

Parenting Fail.

3. 

Now all insultive debts come to me.  So if anyone insults anyone else, I get the quarter.  

Insult is no longer a creative term in our house and everyone is no longer so hypersensitive.

And there are a lot less insults flying around.

Parenting Win.

4. 

Getting kids to clean up after themselves.  A constant battle in this house.

I blame it on myself.  When I was in high school, my mom had this book.  The Messies Manual.  I spent A LOT of time reading it.  According to the book, there are two types of people...cleanies and messies.  I am most definitely a messie.  

Unfortunately all that time spent reading that book didn't turn me into a cleanie.

Unfortunately, none of my kids are what one would call cleanies either. 

So, I tried offering them all sorts of bribes if they can keep the house picked up all the time for an entire week.

None of it works, because as Greta says "If we miss even one day, what's the point. We don't get the prize."

Parenting Fail.

5.

The kids do have to pick everything up and clean up every evening before they watch a show on Amazon Prime.  We've been doing this for years and it does work.  So at least the house gets picked up at night, every night, no matter what. 

Parenting Win.

6.

Probably no one remembers my post about early potty training before age 2.   I posted that on February 17, 2014.   Elsa was about 17 months old.   Well, it took her until about Halloween to be out of diapers, and until the following February (an entire year!) to go on her own and stop having accidents if I forgot to take her potty. So much for early potty-training.  She wasn't fully trained until almost 2.5  I should have just waited until she was older.

You talking about me??

Parenting Fail.  And Win (she is trained NOW, but I totally should have just waited). 

7.

The kids are always losing milk bottle tops.  Putting the milk back in the refrigerator without the top (see...I told you we were a bunch of messies.).  So, I started fining them $1.00 every time the milk is put back without the top. 

Our milk is topless no more.

Parenting Win. 

What sort of wins and fails have you had in the parenting department lately?

And go see Kelly for more quick takes. 

When Do You Let Children Use a Public Restroom Alone?

 This article caught my eye. 

I'm usually on the more protective side of the parenting scale, but I've been letting my son use the bathroom alone for the past year or so.  And he just turned seven.  I think I started letting him use the restroom alone when he hit school age.  So around  5.5 or 6 or so. 

Granted...and this is probably a huge granted, we almost never go places where there are large busy restrooms.  Usually when he is using a public restroom it's either at church, or maybe a school (for chess tournaments) or the library.  Maybe a public park.  Very occasionally a restaurant, but we don't go to restaurants often.  Shopping is also rare.  So are museums/zoos. So, usually if we go someplace, it's someplace that would only have a few stalls.  We don't belong to the YMCA or anything like that. 

There are certain situations, (maybe a large, busy travel center off an Interstate) where I would not feel comfortable allowing him to use the restroom alone. I take it on a case by case basis, but with most smaller bathrooms, I'm totally fine with it.  

Like all parenting decisions...it's a risk/benefit analysis,

Risk: The chance that there is a pedophile lurking in the bathroom, just waiting to molest or kill little boys.  I really feel that this is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very small risk.  Very. Small. Yes, it could happen. Or I suppose he could get kidnapped.  But that seems even less likely as most bathrooms have only one way in and one way out...and I always stay out by the door.   It's also possible that I could get murdered going into the women's bathroom.  But, that hasn't stopped me from using public restrooms when nature calls. 

Benefit: He learns independence and doesn't have to feel uncomfortable going into the ladies room. No one else is made uncomfortable by him being in there.   

The biggest benefit however, is that he gains some independence. 

The point of parenting isn't to do everything humanely possible to prevent any potential harm from ever coming to our children.  The point is to teach our children to grow into responsible, healthy, capable, functioning, happy adults.

Now, I might feel differently if we went to the YMCA or places with pools where he had to change. In a situation like that, I think I would have him change/shower at home and then go straight to the pool.   Actually that is what I have done, the few times we've been in that situation. Still, even in that case, I'm not so worried about strangers, but about him getting lost (those bathrooms are HUGE) or needing help (not being able to turn a shower off or on or it being too hot/cold). 

I'm certainly not criticizing anyone who doesn't allow their 6 or 7 year old to use the bathroom by himself.  If you're not comfortable with it, that's okay.  In many other ways, I'm on the more protective end of things.

Of course, a decision like this also depends on the child. My son is responsible and not going to just fool around or play in there.  He's not going to dawdle or daydream or splash water or make a mess or do anything like that.  He just goes in and out as quickly as possible.  

Taking all that into consideration, I'm okay letting him use the restroom alone.   My children tend to err on the more introverted side of things,  So, I'm always looking for ways they can be a bit more independent.  This is one small way to encourage that. 

What about you?  At what age do you let children use a restroom alone?

I Finally Get Why So Many Moms Need Quiet-time and Naptime.

Over Christmas, Ben and I were listening to a free CD from Matthew Kelly put out by our diocese. In the CD, Matthew Kelly talks about how 2 PM-5 PM is strict naptime in his house. STRICT.

Ben and I just looked at each other laughing.  

We have never been strict on naptime.  Never. 

All my kids stopped napping by the time they were three. Three.  And since our kids are spaced further apart..I've never really had 2 nappers at once. 

I never felt a need for an extended quiet time or strict naptime.  In fact, I couldn't wait for my kids to give up naps, so we could be free to go out anywhere and anytime without worrying about nap schedules.

In fact, I even wrote about how I hate naps. 

That was then...this is now.

What changed is that we now live in a super tiny house.  I mean super tiny.  Six people...two bedrooms, less than 1000 square feet.

Yes, it is as awful as it sounds.  And, yes, we will be moving as soon as we are able (which will hopefully be VERY SOON!).

I've discovered that I DO in fact need quiet during the day.  

Source

When we lived in a bigger house..that wasn't a problem.  The kids could go play in the playroom or in their bedrooms or outside. I could hide in the bedroom. I could snatch little moments of quiet, even without a designated quiet time...I had quiet. 

I could actually be in a room ALL BY MYSELF. 

I couldn't plan those times..but they came. 

And I savored them. That's all I really needed. 

Now...there is no quiet. The walls are closing in and I can't get away. The house is too small and the rooms are too close together and it's too cold outside.  There are no moments of quiet to snatch.  From 7 AM to 9 PM, it's non-stop noise and talking and commotion. 

There is no hiding in one bedroom, because the other bedroom is right next door..and I can hear every word, every squabble, every yell. It's wearing on me. 

I need quiet..every single day.  And now that I know what I need, I can't get it. You can't exactly put a 10-year old into quiet time.  Or a six-year old for that matter. 

And the kids need it too.  They need to be able to spread out.  They need to be able to get away from each other.  They need to be able to have a place to play monopoly or chess where two-year old hands can't mess up their game.  They've taken to playing monopoly or chess in our one bathroom.  Which is even more problematic than it sounds.  

There aren't enough rooms to spread out into.

So to every mom for whom I secretly never understood the need for quiet time or strict naptime.  I'm sorry.  I get it now. I need it too.  

Whom Do You Trust?

My lawyer husband tells me that "Whom Do You Trust" is grammatically correct.  So, if it really should be "Who Do You Trust?" blame him. 

So..the question.

Whom Do You Trust?

We seem to be bombarded with conflicting information everywhere we turn.  

Conflicting information about every parenting, health and lifestyle decision imaginable.  

Feeding Methods. Sleep Methods. Vaccinations. Circumcision. How to Treat a Fever. When to Start Solids. What to Feed Your Kids. What to Eat Yourself. Best Foods. Worst Foods. Natural Birth vs. Epidural vs. Cesarean.  Home birth. 

There are controversies for everything....with plenty of arguments and data on each side.

So..whom do you trust?  How do you decide? How do you decide which studies you should pay attention to...and which ones are total bunk?   For just about every study you can find an "expert" to refute it. 

So what do you do?

Well, I can't tell YOU what to do..but I can tell you what I do. 

Common Sense.  Does what this person/data/study claim MAKE SENSE? 

This is probably the biggest thing. 

Don't underestimate the power of common sense.

Everyone is all fond of saying that "correlation does not equal causation."  And that's true. 

From TwentyTwoWords.com we have this funny graph showing a rather shocking correlation between total revenue generated by skiing facilities and death from being tangled in bedsheets. 

  
Shut DOWN the skiing facilities...people are DYING in their sheets!!

Or maybe not. I think it's safe to say that this is just a weird thing. 

But what about when a correlation COULD make sense?

Like the correlation between c-sections and increased risk of allergies and asthma.

Well, that probably isn't really a fair example because with c-sections oftentimes there isn't a lot of choice.  Clearly if you need a c-section to save you or your baby's life or to save your baby from brain damage....well Thank God we have them. 

However, it *may* be something to consider if your choice isn't so clear-cut as that Maybe. That's up to you. I'm NOT judging those who have elective c-sections.

However, it makes sense to me, to only have a c-section WHEN NECESSARY.

However, on the flip side of the whole natural child birth debate, it makes sense to me that there is an increased risk of both maternal and baby death during homebirth because there are no life-saving procedures IMMEDIATELY available SHOULD they become necessary.  To me, that just makes sense. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you? Or maybe you decide that the increased risks are offset by the benefits of homebirth (of which there are many). That's okay..it's a personal choice.  You have to do what makes sense to you. 

Just like it makes sense to me that there might be a correlation between increased recovery time from the flu and the use of fever reducing medications.  Because fever is actually a good thing. So..I almost never give my kids my kids any fever reducing medicine. In fact, we currently don't have any children's versions of those medicines in the house. 

However, part of the reason that may make sense to me is because of...

My World View and My Experience.

My world view is probably different from yours.  And, that's okay.  My world view is that all medical procedures carry some level of risk along with their benefit and the risk/benefit analysis should be carefully analyzed.

For example, in the case of circumcision. We don't do it.  Why?  Because my world view is to avoid  unnecessary medical procedures and I found no compelling reason to remove a perfectly fine, non-diseased body part. So..no. Your world view may be different.  That's okay.

Experience also plays a huge role.  I have had a great deal of success treating various conditions at home using herbal remedies, essential oils, vitamins and other supplements.  Things like infected toes, mastitis, the flu, coughs, urinary tract infections, yeast infections, ear infections. You name it...I have a home remedy for it. 

My oldest daughter's back pain was significantly helped by chiropractic care...so yes...I'm a believer in that. 

However, I'm highly skeptical of homeopathic medicine (which is quite different from herbal medicine).  I've tried it and never had one iota of success.  The way it works doesn't make any sense to me (while herbal remedies make A TON of sense).

However, if it works for YOU...awesome!!! 

Have you ever noticed that you can tell someone's world view by the articles they post on Facebook?  That's because you can find an article to support just about any world view. Isn't it interesting how differently differnt people think?  And how rare it is for someone to actually CHANGE THEIR MIND because of something their friend posted on Facebook.  Doesn't happen.

Why? Because different people determine what makese sense to them based on their world view and their experience. And that is why when faced with the same questions...different people choose to believe different sources.   And for the most part..that is okay. 

Just be confident in YOUR decisions.  Then the "mommy wars" can't bother you. Who cares if someone says X when you do Y? You have YOUR common sense and YOUR world view and YOUR experience to help you make YOUR decisions. 

Be confident in them!

The Moral Relativism of Parenting

You hear it a lot. 

Oh, just do whatever works. 

If it works for you, that's fine.

We all are trying to do our best, so just do whatever works. 

You're doing the best you can. 

Usually it comes from a good place...a place of overreaction to the so-called "mommy wars." 

But is it true?  Can we REALLY just do whatever works?  Is that what we are called to do?  Just because something works, does that make it good?

Maybe what Adrian Peterson did to his son by beating him with a switch, hard enough to leave several marks worked in that it stopped the undesirable behavior. But was it good? I would give a resounding NO.  What he did was NOT okay. It was not a whatever works thing.  It was wrong and horrifying and abusive. This isn't about spanking versus not-spanking. Although, I'm not a fan of spanking, I can see the difference between what he did and the 'quick swat' most parents do.

But even in a lessor example, not everything a parent does is okay. Not everything even "good" parents do is okay.  Not everything I do is okay. Yelling is not okay..even though I do it, sometimes.  I'm not always doing the best I can. I certainly COULD be more patient.  I could look away from the screen more. I could spend more time with my kids.  I could be present with them more. 

That's why we have Confession. To help us do do better.  And part of doing better is acknowledging what needs to change in the first place. Acknowledging that yelling is not good parenting is the first step towards changing that. 

Yelling may "work" in that it gets their attention, but in the long wrong, it doesn't "work" and it's not respectful and it's not good. 

This isn't about breast versus bottle or crib versus co-sleeping or homeschooling versus public schooling or all those things the "mommy wars" are about.  

But it is about recognizing that all parenting choices are not equally as good. While some parents may choose to bottle feed, there is nothing good about choosing to put soda into a baby's bottle. It is just wrong.  While many parents choose to have their baby sleep in a crib, I do not think it is okay if a child is left in there to cry so hard that they actually vomit all over themselves. Just my opinion..I know a lot of people disagree with me. 

I think the idea of moral relativism, and what's right for you, is so entrenched in our culture that we are afraid to say hey, not everything is okay.  In the Adrian Peterson controversy you hear a lot of people defending him saying, "oh, that's just the culture of the South.  I was beat with a switch, and I'm fine." First of all, just because everyone did it, didn't make it right.  And second of all, for the most part, adults nowadays are NOT FINE..or at least they aren't mentally healthy as shown by the large numbers of adults suffering from depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. Not saying any one thing causes that, just saying that "I'm fine" should mean more than just "I'm not in jail and I haven't killed anyone."
  

While I don't subscribe to the notion that there is only ONE right way to parent, I do believe that not all parenting practices are created equal. 

And, we all fail at times.  We must acknowledge that.

This post isn't meant to be guilt-inducing or judgemental, but rather to inspire us to take a hard look at our parenting and try to do better.  I can't judge anyone else, I can only judge myself.  And, I know that I oftentimes fail to do things with love.  There are many times I am impatient or short-tempered or just plain lazy.   

Of course, sometimes we have to make choices that aren't ideal. There are times that we are dealing with illness or crisis and the best we really CAN do is let the kids watch TV for 6 hours a day. And then, there are times that the TV has just become a habit and we really COULD do better. 

There are times that frozen chicken nuggets really ARE the best we can do for dinner, and then there are times where we COULD make an actual meal, but don't.  

Mary just wrote an excellent reflection on St. Therese and how she inspires us to love.  That is what I am talking about.  Our parenting choices should come out of love...not what is most convenient or easy or what the parenting book that promises us 100% obedient children that never wake up at night says.  But out of love.