Baby Sleep...What I'm Doing Differently with Baby #5....or how I gently taught my baby to sleep alone(ish)

I've never had a kid that was naturally a "good sleeper".  I've never had a kid that just falls asleep anywhere.  I've never had a kid that slept longer than average.  In fact, whenever I would look at those sleep charts of how much sleep a child of x age should be my sleeping...mine were always on the lowest end of the range..or sometimes even lower,

Nighttime, I don't usually have a problem with. I love co-sleeping.  I don't mind co-sleeping at all.  I actually sleep better next to my babies. 

Naps are a different thing though.  I don't like napping and I certainly can't lie around in bed every time my baby needs to take a nap.  Ain't no one got time for that. 

With the first three babies, for all naps, I would nurse them lying down in bed and when they feel asleep I would sneak away.  It worked okay.  I mean..they napped.  Not a super long time, but they did it, and I was able to get some stuff done.  

Then along came Elsa.  And she was the WORST NAPPER EVER.  She would fall asleep nursing, and then a butterfly would flap its wings in China and she would wake up.  She would not sleep alone and consequently spent most of her infancy getting by on short, little cat-naps. Most of her naps took place in my lap, while I tapped, tapped, tapped away on the old computer keyboard.  I should have written a book, but mostly I just wrote blog posts. 

Then we had Annika and I was determined to do things differently.  I got a Special Delivery Baby Hammock and starting putting her down in it when she fell asleep.  Sometimes she would stay asleep, sometimes she wouldn't.  But overall, it was a big improvement over how Elsa napped.  It was working okay. 

For the first 4 months, that is. Then it stopped working. The length of time she would sleep in it got less and less. She would wake up sooner and cry and fuss and move around, and not fall back asleep.  She had to be in the deepest of sleeps to stay asleep and as soon as she shifted into lighter sleep, she would awaken. I think the movement of the hammock as she moved around was actually waking her up.  She also developed a very strong preference for sleeping on her belly, as she learned to roll over rather early. Even while co-sleeping, she preferred (still prefers) to sleep on her belly.  You can't sleep on your belly while in the hammock.

So, for awhile we struggled.  She would fall asleep nursing in my lap and I would feel pinned down and unable to get up.  It was frustrating.  I did NOT want to be pinned down to a napping baby all the time, and while I love babywearing in certain situations, I really wanted my baby to be able to nap alone. 

So, I checked out this book from the library.







I read it.  It was definitely helpful, although night-time sleeping isn't really our problem as I love co-sleeping and night-time awakenings don't really bother me as long as the baby falls back asleep quickly while nursing in bed.  

So, I realized that THIS is the book I actually needed. 



And it was very helpful.

Over the course of about 2 weeks, I gently taught Annika to sleep alone in her crib (pack n play actually). It's a beautiful thing. 

Now, she still doesn't fall asleep alone.  I still nurse her to sleep.  But now I can nurse her to sleep and then put her in the crib and she'll sleep in there for OVER AN HOUR BY HERSELF!! 

I don't mind nursing her sleep because well....I have to nurse her anyway.  I mean, she has to eat and it just makes SENSE to put her to sleep with as full a belly as possible.  Plus, nursing just makes her fall asleep so easily.  All my kids nursed to sleep as babies and then eventually learned to fall asleep without nursing.  Pinky-swear. It does happen. 

These are the steps I took to accomplish this:

1).  Every time I thought she would fall asleep nursing, I would nurse her upstairs in the bedroom on the floor next to the crib and then once she was "asleep enough" put her in the crib on her belly* and then pat/rub her back until she would fall asleep again.  She doesn't take a pacifier, but she does sometimes suck her thumb and will suck on our fingers, so sometimes I would stick my finger in her mouth to let her suck and sometimes I would help her find her own thumb to suck.

To be honest, this stage did involve a small amount of crying.  Not much....never more than a few minutes and I never left her alone to cry.  Sometimes it took a few tries of picking her up and nursing her until she was fully asleep again and then trying again, but I was just really consistent with it and kept trying for every nap (and when I would put her to bed for the night). 

It took about 2 weeks of doing this consistently, but now I can nurse her until she is asleep and pretty much reliably put her down every time.  I don't even have to worry about how "asleep-asleep" she is and can put her down as soon as she falls asleep.

2). However, she was still waking up after a short time.  It was longer than when we used the hammock..but still usually less than 30 minutes.   So, this is where the book became really helpful. I was able troubleshoot some of our problems and once I worked on those, her sleep much improved and now she will take 1+ hour long naps by herself.

This is what I learned. 

I need to be more intentional about her naps.  Apparently, at 6 months, a baby can only have 2-3 hours of awake time before needing to nap.  I hadn't realized that.  I was just letting her fall asleep nursing (amongst the midst of our busy household) whenever she was tired, which basically resulted in her getting over-tired a lot because by 6 months she is more than capable of keeping herself awake.  She's alert.  She's busy. She's smart. She wants to be involved in the happenings of the house.  She was keeping herself awake.   So now, about 2-3 hours after her last awakening time, I take her upstairs and get her ready for a nap.  This involves changing her diaper, turning on the white noise machine and nursing her.

I need to use white noise. I've never used white noise to help my babies sleep before.  Actually..that is not true.  Heidi and Greta both used to sleep in the stroller in the bathroom with the fan on and lights off (because we lived in houses that had bathrooms without any windows and the room would get totally dark) as toddlers.  They napped really well like that.  But since then I had forgotten about the importance of white noise and hadn't used it.  However, the book really suggested it, so I thought I would try it.  Plus..now we have smartphones so I could download a free app and try it out before buying a machine.  And it worked.  So I bought a cheap white noise machine and it really does help her sleep longer.  

She likes the waterfall and rainfall sounds best. The heartbeat sound is creepy and reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe, so we don't use that one. 

I needed to make the crib pack n play more comfortable.  Let's face it.  A pack n play mattress is like sleeping on a piece of cardboard.  Not that comfortable. Of course, I could invest in a crib, but I like the space-saving and portability of the pack n play.   So, I put a crocheted blanket totally flat underneath the fitted sheet and this makes it a lot softer and more comfortable, while still being safe, in my opinion.  I'm sure that is a safety no-no, but for a 6-month old that has been rolling since she was 2-3 months and crawling (army crawl) since 5 months, I think it's fine She is in no danger of suffocating anywhere and is past the age of greatest SIDS risk. Plus, they say SIDS is a problem in babies that sleep too deeply. Sleeping too deeply is NOT her problem. Sleeping too lightly is her problem. 

I need to put her to bed earlier.   The book suggests putting kids to bed by 6:30 or 7:00 PM.  I don't usually get her to bed that early, but I do start to try earlier than I used to.  Now, she is going to sleep around 7:30 PM and sleeping the first part of the night by herself. Then I take her into bed with me once she wakes up or once I go to sleep. 

I need to be intentional about naps even when not at home. To be honest, I used to pooh-pooh those parents who were super rigid about naps and would miss events and stay home so their baby could nap.  Now, I sorta understand it. Although I'm still not willing to do it.  With 5 kids, you just can't be all "sorry, we're dropping out of co-op so the baby can nap every morning".  Not going to happen.  Not fair to the older kids.  What I can do however, is help her nap while we are out. 

Another thing I learned is that once babies get past the newborn stage, they really need to nap at least 45-60 minutes to get the restorative benefits of a nap.  Anything less is a "crap nap" and not as beneficial.  This means that if we are out and she is napping in the go, I still need to be intentional and plan ahead. Thankfully, she have been sleeping in the silng/ergo when we are out of the house pretty much since she was born, so she is used to sleeping in there. One morning a week we are at co-op from 9-12   Normally at home, she would take a morning nap around 10:00 AM.  So, at co-op, around 10:00-10:30 AM, I put her in the ergo or sling and make a point of walking around with her a bit so she will fall asleep and then she snoozes in there all during the chemistry class I teach.   Or, if I know we are going to be someplace until x time and that she will need a nap, I try to nurse her/sling her at least 1 hour before x time, so she can get that hour long nap in.

The downside of doing this, is she isn't falling asleep every time we get in the car anymore, so she is a bit crankier in there.  But, she is sleeping better overall and she's no longer subsisting off of 20 minutes car naps. 


And this is how I gently taught my baby to sleep by herself.  At least for naps and the first part of the night. I really liked the no-cry series of books.  It's not a quick fix.  It takes longer than sleep-training, I am sure.  But it was gentle and didn't involve lots of crying and was something I felt good about doing. 

Now we are all much happier, as she is getting better naps and I am getting a lot more free time and not feeling frustrating by being pinned down with a sleeping baby.  I don't know that this would necessarily work for every baby.  I'm not sure that it would have with Elsa, but it is working with Annika and I think it would have worked with several others of my less high-needs babies as well. 

*DISCLAIMER:  I didn't start teaching her how to sleep alone until around 6 months.  Since we're doing belly-sleeping and I modified her mattress to make it softer, I wouldn't recommend doing those particular things with a younger baby. 

Dear Mom Whose Baby or Toddler Won't Fall Asleep Alone

Call me naive.  Call me clueless.  But it wasn't until I started being active on Facebook and reading blogs, that I started realizing just how differently our family does things when it comes to sleep. 

You see, I have absolutely no concept of babies or toddlers falling asleep alone.  

None.

Zero. 

Zilch.

Our kids have always fallen asleep with someone until they are around age 4.  It never really occurred to me to do things differently. 

Which is why I have been really surprised to read that other parents have to deal with things like their kids getting up in the middle of the night and wreaking havoc.  Or kids bouncing around in their room, staying up until late at night. Or having to use things like baby gates or door locks to keep kids in their room.

In fact, I think I finally figured out why a few bedrooms in houses we've lived in or visited had the lock on the outside of the door. I never understood that before. Truth be told, I still don't understand it. But we all do things differently and I can respect that different families have different needs.

We've never needed any of those things, because we've always stayed with our kids until they fall asleep.  Mostly that's nursing.   My babies have all nursed to sleep until they were 3-3.5.  But, that doesn't mean that I can NEVER leave them at night. I've been leaving Elsa at night occasionally since she turned one.  She just falls asleep with Daddy or big sister. 

And if they wake up in the middle of the night...well that's easy. Because it's no problem to lie in bed and nurse or cuddle once I'm already in bed.  

  

And after they are weaned, we just lay down with them until they fall asleep.  Or they fall asleep with an older sibling. But it's with someone.   Until they don't need that anymore and then they fall asleep on their own...which does happen eventually. 

It's generally been fairly painless and not as time-consuming as it might sound.

Yes, there have been times I've wished I didn't have to help them fall asleep. But mostly, I don't mind it.   I think it sets the stage for healthy sleep habits as they grow older. It makes sleep something they look forward to, instead of something they fight. 

Elsa asks for "nana, go night-night" or "nana-take nap" when she's tired.   Because falling asleep cuddled up with mommy is a nice way to fall asleep, don't you think?  And if mommy isn't there, then daddy will do...or big sister. 

And, yes she still sleeps with me, but she won't forever.  Probably by age 3, I'll move her to another room.  Because she'll be ready then.  Or I'll be ready then.  Not her own room...because we don't have enough rooms in the house.  But a room she can share with a sibling or two or three.

And probably for a few months after that, if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she'll crawl back into my bed.  And that's okay. Because one day she'll stop.  Truth be told, I can't even remember how old the older kids were when they stopped coming into my room in the middle of the right.  Maybe 4 or 5??  But they all stopped. Well, there was that one time when a certain someone read too many ghost stories at the library around Halloween. Ghost stories are now banned. 

Anyway, they all grow up and learn to sleep on their own.  It's just a matter of time. 

Maybe you feel the need to do things differently. That's okay.  I may not understand a different way, but I can respect that different families have different needs. I've never had 2 kids under 2.  I've never even had 2 kids under 2 and a half.  My closest spacing is 32 months...and it gets  further from there. Maybe we would have developed a different way of parenting if we had children spaced more closely together. But this is the way that works for us...the way that feels most right. 

Let me tell you a little secret.  I don't like crying.  In fact, I hate crying.  I hate hearing babies and kids cry.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  I'll do almost anything to get them to stop. Yes, this does mean giving in. But guess what..it's okay to "give in" sometimes. It really is. And I would almost certainly rather take 15 minutes to nurse a baby to sleep than listen to them cry for 15 minutes. And all those little 15 minutes out of my life are really nothing. 

If you do things differently, I can respect that.

But if you do things in a similar way....I want you know that you won't be doing it forever.  That just because a baby can't fall sleep alone at 6 months, it doesn't mean that they won't be able to fall asleep alone at 6 years.  Because they totally will. I promise. Blogger's honor. In the meantime, enjoy the weight of a cuddly, snugly baby drifting off to sleep in your arms. Because there really is nothing nicer. 

I break all the parenting rules.

You guys, I've broken all the parenting rules.  And, I don't mean the ones  that everyone likes to laugh about breaking..the ones about no TV before age 2, or no putting the Bumbo seat seat on the table. 

Or the kids don't drive boats rule

  No I'm not talking about those rules.

I'm talking about the rules that EVERYONE agrees on.

Be consistent.

Don't give in to temper tantrums.

Be gentle but firm.

Don't let crying bother you. 

I've given in to temper tantrums. One notable instant was when Heidi was only 2 and I bought her large, standing toy horse in Wal-Mart because she cried for it.  Yes, I totally did. She was my first, we had more disposable income back then, and come to think of it, I would have loved a horse like that when I was a kid. So, I gave into the crying and I bought it.  Amazingly enough, it turned out fine. She didn't forever throw a temper tantrum every single other time we went into a store. In fact, I can't really remember another incident of a store temper tantrum with her. She's now 12.  She's not spoiled.  She doesn't have her own cell phone or her own ipod of even half the things that other kids her age are supposedly screaming for. 

And that's not that only time.

I'm totally the mom that gives in and puts the milk in the pink cup instead of the green cup. Or gives them the flowered plate instead of the plain white one.

I get to choose my own cup (I really love my horse mug) so why shouldn't they?  And occasionally I give in to myself and buy things I shouldn't. Just occasionally mind you. 

I'm not always consistent.  I forget my own rules. I forget my own rules A LOT.  Sometimes I say that we're leaving the park and then we don't leave right away because I get to talking and just can't tear myself away.  Sometimes I say no eating away from the table and then sometimes I let them (usually depends on what they are eating). 

I've actually found that most of the time it doesn't matter.  When my kids see that I'm really ready to leave the park this time...they come, willingly, without a fight. 

And sometimes I even change my mind.  Sometimes I realize that I said "no" too quickly or that it really doesn't matter if they do x, so I change my mind.  Sometimes I do that, even if they are crying or whining.  Not all of the times, just some of the times..just when I realize that I said "no" too quickly and that it's something that really doesn't matter. 

I let crying bother me.  A lot.  As you can guess, I've never let my babies cry it out.  But it goes beyond that.  I pick them them up and carry them when they want it...even if I'm tired and there is a perfectly good stroller they could ride in . I let Elsa eat on my lap even though I hate it.  Somehow I got into a bad habit of letting Elsa sit on my lap to eat.  Not sure how that started, but it's the way she wants to eat now.  If I'm sitting down to eat, there she is asking to get up in my lap and eat too (not off my plate, off her own plate). She eats super well that way...lots of variety, tons of vegetables, she's the least picky one in the family. 

I tried breaking her of it and that lasted all of 1/2 a mealtime. I couldn't stand the crying....couldn't stand the sad, pitiful look in her eyes.  The mommy, you've rejected me look.  Plus, her older siblings were all, Elsa, you can sit in my lap to eat. And, I don't want my older kids to lose their natural empathetic nature towards their crying baby sister.  I think it's good that they are bothered by crying too...it helps foster empathy. 

So, I'm pretty sure she'll outgrow this.  I'm pretty sure she won't still be doing this when she's 10, or 7, or even 5.  Pretty sure. 

Be gentle but firm. I'm not always gentle because I sometimes yell, and I'm not always firm because I change my mind and give in sometimes.  Mary Poppins I am not. 

Sometimes this all bothers me. The fact that I can be so weak when it comes to discipline.

 But, I've come to realize that it's all okay. It really is.

  Despite all my faults and failings and weaknesses my kids are turning out okay and they really are very, very good kids. They really are. People tell us that all the time...how good my kids are. Sure they fight and they bicker and they are messy and sometimes lazy and moody (but then I am all those things too). But they don't lie and they aren't sneaky and they aren't disobedient and they do their work and help out without complaining. They are kind and caring and empathetic and honest.  They actually tell us (all on their own) when they do something wrong.

I'm come to realize that parenting isn't a set of rules you can never break.  Parenting is about a relationship.  We compromise with our friends.  We compromise with our spouses.  And, it's okay to compromise with our children sometimes.  

It's not about who is in control. If I worry about "winning the battle" I've already "lost the war." 

Read more about my parenting philosophy and the two most important things. 

Dear Elsa

Dear Elsa,

You won't remember this time.

You won't remember falling asleep nursing. 

You won't remember crying out in the night and being rescued by your mommy or daddy.

You won't remember sleeping all snuggled up next to me, you chubby feet poking my stomach and your tiny hands clutching me.

You won't remember being carried around on my back or rocked to sleep in my arms. 

You won't remember endless hours sitting on my lap, eating food and dropping it all over my lap.

You won't remember all the times we carried you and held you and rocked you and nursed you.

You won't remember the times you kept me pinned to the couch because you were sleeping in my lap and I couldn't put you down, lest you wake up.

You won't remember the hours I spent nursing or slinging you to sleep. 

You won't remember, but I will.

Since, the very moment you were born, you've always wanted more.

More time, more attention, more carrying, more rocking, more nursing, more comfort, more cuddling.

Someday you will grow up.  You will wean.  You will sleep alone.  You will no longer sit on my lap.

But, you will still be the same extremely stubborn, strong-willed, affectionate, sensitive and intelligent girl that you are.

And, while you won't remember all the time we spent holding and carrying and nursing and rocking you, I hope you will remember the love we poured into you...when we picked you up in the middle of the night, when we let you sit on our laps and eat, when we carried you around, and slept next to you, same as we did with your older brother and sisters when they were young.

And, I hope that love will carry you through the hard times.  The times we butt heads, or you complain about your schoolwork or you don't want to do your chores.

Something tells me, you are going to be my difficult child.  You are already so stubborn and opinionated.  Someday those characteristics will give you strength and allow you to stand up for what is right, because you sure don't give in easily. 

But for now, you are still our baby, so we'll be happy to baby you just a bit longer.  

Why I Read Parenting Books and A Book Review: Beyond the Birds and the Bees, Raising Sexaully Whole and Holy Kids

I've read a lot of parenting books over my 12 years of motherhood.  I know a lot of people don't like to read parenting books.  I know a lot of people specifically advise against reading parenting books.

A lot of people say that reading parenting books are a sure-fire way to make you feel like you are doing everything wrong.  I'm not a lot of people. 

Maybe it's my personality, but I almost never waste time feeling guilty.  I just don't.  Never fear, I have plenty to feel guilty about, but guilt just isn't an emotion I spend a lot of time on.  I forgive myself, I know Jesus forgives me, and I forgive others...so it's all good. 

I don't like to pigeon-hole myself into one parenting philosophy and I don't follow anything 100%, but I do like to have a general game-plan or idea.  I can't just leave my parenting up to my whims.  That would be a disaster, knowing me.  I'd be all loosey-goosey one day and strict, tight-ship the next.  Consistentency is not my fortitude, that is for sure.  

I find reading parenting books to be very helpful, they either strengthen my resolve to keep doing what I am doing, or they give me tools or ideas to change something I am unhappy about.  I'm have no problem taking what I like and leaving the rest.  I find it very helpful to take bits and pieces of other's people's ideas and advice and put them together into an overall game-plan that I can keep in mind to help me get through those tough days.  

I think the main problem that most have with parenting books is that people are complicated.  A person's outcome in life (who they are when they grow up...whether that is a saint or an ax murderer) depends on many factors and their upbringing/parenting is just one among many.  The thing is, parenting does matter...it's just not the only thing and no way of parenting can guarantee a specific outcome, because people are complicated and have free will.  Not to mention the fact that genetics and certain physiological factors can also play a role.  But, that doesn't negate the fact that parenting DOES matter and that we should all be striving to be the best parents we can be. 

So.....here is the latest parenting book I have been reading.

Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids by Popcaks

I love this book.  I can honestly say that it might just be the most helpful parenting book I have ever read. And, I've read a lot in my time.  If you have just little kids you might be saying, oh, I don't need this book yet, my kids are too little.

But...there is always a but....it's never too early to start thinking about this.  And, they give some really good ideas and tips and advice for different stages of development...starting with infants all the way through teens. In fact, I think their advice for babies and young children is especially helpful.  They address certain sensitive issues (like self-touching in little kids and masturbation in older kids) from a uniquely Catholic perspective that you really won't find in any other book.

The authors do heavily espouse the style of parenting best known as attachment parenting.  While I don't like labels, it is the parenting style which has always worked best for our family.  So, naturally, I agree with a lot of what they say.   However, whether or not you follow attachment parenting, I think they make some good points....points that are well worth consideration that I hadn't really thought of before (things like how a baby learns attachment and to seek comfort from their primary caregivers can help them develop the necessary skills for intimacy within marriage as an adult). 

However, even past that, they have wonderful advice for nurturing your relationship with your child, dealing with puberty, helping teens navigate dating relationships and great tips and advice for just about every stage in between.  And, it's not just about helping your kids have a healthy sexuality, but about forming healthy relationships (and avoiding bad ones), helping your children form an identity statement and helping your children foster their own spiritual life. 

The book is easy to read, but chock full of information and you need to read it slowly to really absorb everything.  A theme of authentic Catholicism is woven throughout the entire book, and the book is written from a uniquely Catholic perspective that continuously references The Theology of the Body and authentic Church teaching. That said, I think even non-Catholic, Christian parents could get a lot out of this book, because it just has some really good advice and ideas in it about nurturing the parent-child relationsip and helping children respect their bodies without ever feeling shame about them or their bodily functions.

There are even some great ideas and information to help parents in their own marriage foster greater intimacy. 

You should read it. 

Linking up with Jessica. 

7 Ways to Parent A One-Year Old Without Punishment (7QTF)

Jumping into the parenting discussions here....because you know I needed a bit more excitement in my life and what better way to add excitement then to blog about parenting. Right?  Kendra at Catholic All Year and Delaflute at Diapers and Driver  have both recently posted about parenting toddlers...and more specifically one-year-old children.so I'm jumping into the mix with my thoughts on the matter.

I totally respect that everyone parents differently and has different expectations for behavior and discipline. I've known many different families with many different parenting philosophies and I do believe that most parents are trying really hard to do their best.  For our part, we generally practice gentle discipline.   That's basically how I was raised and is the parenting philosophy that resonates most closely with me.  Why?    There are several reasons, but mainly because I believe that parenting and discipline require both justice and mercy, but if you are going to err....better to err on the side of mercy.   Why?   Because I believe that unjust punishments are a grave injustice.  As a parent, it's hard to know what is really just and what isn't.  I'm sure just about everyone can remember a time when they were unfairly punished.  I know I can, and the memory still stings.  I can also remember times when I deserved punishment, but was shown mercy...and I'm still grateful for those times and despite the lack of punishment, I still learned right from wrong and have not repeated the offense. 

But enough about me...this post is about one-year-old children....and while my one-year old is newly minted.....I've raised three other kids through that 2nd year of life without using spanking or time-outs.  Why not time-out, you might ask?  Well, one-year-old children tend to find separation quite difficult.  I really think that they don't have the cognitive ability (especially a child that is closer to 1 than 2) to understand that Mom still exists, even if I can't see her.   With my own young toddler, if I so much as dare to go into the bathroom and shut the door, she stands outside crying as if she is really thinking. 

Oh no, my mommy was eaten by the toilet monster,,,help me, help me, I'm all alone, abandoned out here, the toilet monster will get me next, Waaahh!

It's been a long-time since I was a one-year old...so I can't really say how a one-year old feels....but I suspect they might experience a time-out as abandonment, and I don't want my kids to ever feel abandoned...that is a terrifying feeling for a child.  We do occasionally use time-out for older children who have a better cognitive understanding of the whole thing, but I prefer to avoid it for kids who are basically still totally pre-verbal.  Again nothing against those who do use time-out with younger kids, I can respect that others do things differently, but this is how we do things..and it works for us.  

So then, if we don't do time-outs or spanking (not going to get into the whole spanking debate, other than to say that we don't do it)...what do we do?

Well, here are my 7 tips for Parenting a One-Year Old without punishment. 

1.

Baby Proof. This should go without saying...but babyproofing can make a huge difference.  We have baby locks on the cleaning supplies and try to keep any dangerous or harmful items out of reach.  Just makes life easier. And, if we had fancy nick-knacky stuff, we'd put it out of reach...but we don't, because in all honestly I, being a super klutz, am just as likely to break it as a baby would.  Plus, I hate fancy nick-knacky stuff. 

2.

Redirection. I find this is be especially helpful with young toddlers, who are easily distracted. Plus I believe that young toddlers really do have a NEED to explore....so if they are trying to explore something they shouldn't, redirecting them to something they can is very useful  I find this to be especially helpful when we are doing school.  When we are doing school the resident one-year old tends to screech and cry and try to grab everyone's pencils and paper, but if we give her her own pencil and paper and say "Here baby, here's your school, do your school." and spend about 5 seconds "helping" her "write" she's happy and content that is being included and stops the annoying, screeching/grabbing behavior and goes on to play by herself for a little bit.  

3.

Be Pro-active.  Toddlers and babies get more difficult when they are tired or hungry or lonely or overstimulated so being pro-active about that can make a big difference.   If they're hungry feed them, if they're tired, give them a nap, if they're lonely...cuddle or carry or sling or hold them.

4.

Baby-wear. Even in the toddler years.  Especially in the toddler years.  I wear my toddlers in stores and at the zoo or museums.  A good sling that can be worn on the back is a real back-saver (I love my Kozy or Beco) and my toddlers have all been super happy to chill out back there and just take the world in .  No tantrums in stores.  No asking for things.  No touching yucky germy grocery carts.  Plus, our family eats so much food, that we need the space in the top of the cart for groceries, so I don't have have room to sit a toddler up there anyway.

5.

Be routine. I know that is just general parenting stuff, but for us, having a routine really helps. To avoid baby'fighting diaper changes, I always change the diaper in the same place (on my bed) and if they try to get up in the middle of a diaper change, I just gently lay them back down.  Repeatedly if necessary, but it usually doesn't take much repeating because they figure out pretty soon that if they get up, they'll just be put back down, so they might as well just lie down, until all done. 

6.

Don't Chase 'Em. Obviously, this doesn't hold if they are heading for a something really dangerous like a busy street or a pool of hot lava. Furthermore, all my kids are neurotypical, so I have no clue about kids with autism or other special needs.  But with all my kids, even as very young toddlers, they seemed to have an inner "leash" or "line" or sense of "I'm only comfortable getting this far away from Mommy or Daddy."  So, if we were at the park, or outside in the yard, I would sit/stay in my spot and my toddlers all naturally sorta of played around/near me...never allowing themselves to get more than 10 or 15 feet away (or so...I'm not good at estimating distances). That's just what they did naturally.  The only child I ever had run it the street was my oldest and that's because she was my first and I made the mistake of chasing her around and following her around instead of just doing my own thing and making her follow me.  Because, generally, like a bunch of little ducklings, if we are walking someplace, my kids just naturally follow along behind or stay around me.  I expect them to stay with me, and they seem to naturally do so (after all who would want to be by themselves in the big, big world?)

7.

Tame the tantrum.  I generally deal with temper tantrums the same way I deal with other forms of crying...by offering comfort and consolation. Nursing is always an easy way to calm tantrums and stop crying fast.  Some might say that comforting a tantrum child rewards the tantrum, but I really think that something is very wrong in the parent-child relationship if a child feels the need to throw themselves on the floor screaming so they can get picked up and cuddled. And, I really don't think most young toddlers actively choose to have a temper tantrum....any more than I actively choose to lose my temper and yell at my kids.  We all get frustrated and lose control of our emotions at times...and how much harder it is for toddlers who can't yet talk or communicate effectively.  So, I really try to be very gentle with tantrums (especially with very young toddlers) who have limited skills or other ways of communication and comfort them through their frustration,, rather than ignoring them (which in my experience seems to make it worse).  And, for what it's worth, my kids have never had a really epic tantrum;...with kicking, screaming, throwing themselves on the floor, etc.  With all my toddlers, a tantrum basically consists of a little bit of crying/screaming that they were easily comforted out of, and went on their merry way. 

So, there you have it folks...my seven tips for parenting one-years old.  My toddlers have all been reasonably happy and content and we've generally been able to take them lots of places and somehow managed to survive the toddler years without too much difficulty and stress.  And somehow they've all managed to learn not to touch hot stoves or run in the street, even without punishment.   

And, since there just happens to be 7 tips, I'm linking up with Jen for 7 Quick takes Friday!. 

WIWS and my parenting philosophy...A & R are key.

So, I've only been at this parenting thing for 11.5 years now.  I am most definitely NOT an expert..by any means.  And, I don't have teens and I've never raised kids through the teenage years.  I fail every day as a parent and still yell way too much.

I'm writing this post mostly for me, to remind myself of what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I've read a lot of parenting books and blogs....and I've seen all sorts of conflicting advice.

Spanking/no-spanking.  Gentle discipline/first time obedience.   Strict parenting/playful parenting/etc.

And, I've talked to friends about their relationship with their own parents or friends with adult children and those who have or haven't kept the faith.

And, honestly, I think that no matter what your parenting philosophy or how you discipline your kids....the keys to parenting are A & R.

Acceptance

I think this is vitally important.  Children need to feel acceptance from their parents.  They need to really believe that their parents accept them for WHO they are...their individual like and dislikes, talents and weaknesses.  We may not always accept their behavior..but we always need to ACCEPT them..in all their weaknesses, quirks and strengths.   They never should feel like they aren't good enough or are a disappointment.   This doesn't mean we accept their behavior.  This is why parenting is so hard...we need to show love and acceptance, while still teaching right from wrong.  

It's hard because so many times as parents, we view our children as extensions of ourselves.  We think that they REFLECT us.  So, we're afraid to let them be themselves, because we're afraid that people will judge us.   But, we need to let them be themselves..to pursue their own interests, let them dress how they want (within reason).  While we have guidelines and rules, we need to realize that our children aren't us and will have different likes and dislikes and styles and tastes and that's okay...because they need to be WHO they are and we need to accept them.  We don't get to choose our children...they are given to us from God...and we don't get to choose what they are like or who they are.  Sometimes I think, this is what makes parenting so hard.  Parenting is not about molding or training children into what we want them to be...but about accepting who they are and helping them be the person that God wants them to be. 

Relationship 

Relationship is the second key.  It's why we generally practice attachment parenting, although I don't in any way believe that is the only way to foster a good relationship with children.  It is just the way that comes most naturally TO ME.  And, really the key to attachment parenting is attachment...not a list of rules like co-sleeping and breastfeeding, those are mere ways of facilitating that attachment, that relationship.  And, no matter what your parenting philosophy is, I feel like that relationship is key.   It's important that parents have a good relationship with their children.  And, this is a large part of the reason why we homeschool.  I in no way believe that homeschooling is the only way to have a good relationship with children.  It is just the way that works FOR OUR FAMILY.   And, I think no matter how you school or parent, fostering a good relationship with children is key.  Our children need to feel that we generally love them and like them.  I think it's important for our children to feel that they can talk to us about anything or ask us anything and that we won't get mad or judge them.  For our family, homeschooling is a way of fostering that relationship because it forces us to spend more time together...talking and learning, discussing and sometimes even debating.  It helps me to really know my children.  Of course, it's not the only way, but it's the way that works for us.  

However, no matter how you parent or educate..I really believe that Acceptance and Relationship are the two most important factors. 

And hey, hey, hey...since it just so happens to be Sunday...again...I'm linking up with FLAP for WIWS. 

You can't really see it...but this skirt has some very pretty embroidering on the bottom..  It's one of my favorites...so it's kinda weird that I hardly ever wear it.

Hey Mom, you know that picture you painted...well there it is...on our mantel!


So, the skirt is really old..like circa 2000.  The tank is Old Navy and the shirt is thrifted.  The shoes are from Payless...and not my favorite.  I think this outfit would look really good in boots...but I don't have any..yet (plus it's still kinda hot) although our new church keeps the air conditioning at a temperature most appropriate for penguins, so I think they would have been fine there. .  Boots are definitely on my wish/want list for the fall though. . 

WIWS and I Co-Sleep and I'm Not Sleep-Deprived.

Kendra over at Catholic All Year has a blog post about baby sleep and what she does to get her babies to sleep. It's a very interesting post (as all of Kendra's posts are), and the comments are even more interesting. While Kendra was very much do whatever works for you, every family is different, many of the commentators seemed to say that babies needed to be trained to sleep and before employing CIO (cry-it-out), everyone was sleep-deprived and miserable and afterwards, everyone was happy and well rested.  And, I'm sure that is true for them.  But, it's not true for me. 

I've gotten to a point in my parenting where I can respect that different things work for different families.  I'm not judging those who do CIO.  I totally respect that most parents really are parenting the best they can and everyone does things differently.  I realize that co-sleeping isn't for everyone..that it doesn't work for some families.  And, that's okay.  Those families need to do what works for them. 

However I did want to address the idea that babies need to be taught to sleep alone for healthy sleep habits and that co-sleeping leads to unhealthy sleep habits and sleep-deprived mothers and babies.  

With all my babies, we've co-slept from day one.  They've always nursed to fall asleep unless they fell asleep in the stroller, the sling or the car. 

Co-sleeping and night-nursing is easy for me.  It doesn't disturb my sleep and I sleep just fine with a baby in bed with me, and even nursing in the middle of the night does not disturb me because I don't have to get up. I barely even have to roll over.

By 1 week, my babies have all had their days/night straight and would (98% of the time) sleep all night, with only waking up to nurse...but no fussy/awake periods during the night.  So, I never actually got up at night (except to change a poopy diaper and that all stopped by 3-4 weeks of age or so).

By 3-6 months, they would reliably give a solid 2 hour stretch of sleeping alone, in the beginning of the night and I could easily nurse them to sleep and then lay them down and they'd be good for about 2 hours while I did my own thing.

By 6-10 months, I could nurse them to sleep and easily lay them down for naps and they would nap alone (for some reason napping was harder to get them to do alone).

Here's proof..  Baby napping alone!  7 months ago this would have been rare...now it's a daily occurrence.  And, now you can also see what Elsa wore Sunday. 

By a year, they were down to nursing only once or twice in the middle of the night. Since we're still co-sleeping, this nursing is not disruptive to me in the least.  I simply latch them on and go right back to sleep. 

Sometime around age 2-2 1/2 I night-weaned them completely, although they would continue to nurse to fall asleep but not nurse at all during the night.  Depending on the child, this was easier or harder, but with all the kids, it was fairly painless.  

One thing I learned from night-weaning, is that even at age 2, some of my kids were legitimately thirsty in the middle of the night and that is why they wanted to nurse.  Once I started keeping a sippy- cup of water in the bedroom to offer instead of nursing, night-weaning went fairly smoothly.   Heck, sometimes, I still wake up thirsty and need a drink of water to go back to sleep.

Sometime around age 2.5-3.5 they stopped nursing to sleep.  They just did this all on their own.  I didn't have to teach them or anything, they just naturally started pulling off from nursing before being completely asleep and then falling asleep on their own.    I know some people will think aaaack, you were still nursing your 2-year or 3-year old to sleep, but really nursing them to sleep is EASIER than reading stories or singing songs or doing whatever bedtime routine other people do with their kids.   It only takes about 10 minutes at that age, and is a more sure-fire way of getting them to sleep than stories and singing or whatnot.   And they all naturally gave it up...on their own. And, none of them got cavities from it either.

 And, if I wasn't home to put them to sleep, they fell asleep just fine with Daddy, so it wasn't like I had to be there all the time.  It's just that most of the time I was, so it was easy enough to nurse to sleep.  

Also, around age 3, they all moved to their own bed in another room. 

And, between 3 or 3 1/2, they all weaned totally and completely..and have slept on their own, in their own bed, ever since.  They all have healthy sleep habits, fall asleep easily and for the most part sleep all night. We don't have elaborate bedtime routines...or kids stalling bedtime or kids getting out of bed repeatably.  From age 3-4, some of them would come into my bed in the middle of the night a few times a week, and I was fine with that.  By age 4, they pretty much all stopped doing that and stayed in their own bed all night. 

There has been a natural progression of increasingly independent sleep that happened all by itself without sleep training. 

For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.  

That line from that classic poem is so true.  Babies grow up.  They all grow up.  They all wean. They all learn to fall asleep on their own. They stop needing to be rocked (or nursed).  They become easier to put down asleep as their sleep pattern shifts from a newborn pattern to an adult pattern.*  They all start sleeping through the night. Some earlier than others..but it DOES happen.   Sometimes it feels like society is pushing babies and toddlers more and more towards independence earlier and earlier.  We just joined a new coop and Elsa is in the nursery. I'm only assigned to be in the nursery with her the last class...the first class I have "off" to socialize in the parent's lounge and the 2nd class I'm expected to help out in another class.  Last week was our first day there, and not surprisingly at all, Elsa protested rather strongly if I tried to leave her alone in the nursery with total and complete strangers.  She was terrified.  So, I didn't leave her.  She's just a baby.  I put her on my back in the Beco and took her with me to help out in the class I was assigned to help out.  And, she was fine..she fell asleep back there.  And, I was fine with her on my back.  The other mothers in the nursery were oh, it's like a band-aid...you rip it off and it hurts and they cry, but then they get used to it and they stop crying. And, maybe that's true..but I wasn't going to leave her in there crying and alone with unfamiliar people. She's just a baby.  I don't judge others who do that..but I'm not going to.  Just because she can't be left at 12-months with total strangers doesn't mean she won't happily go into a preschool class at age 3 or a kindergarten class at age 5.   They all grow up. I don't need to force separation at age 1, to make it possible at age 3 or age 4.

Likewise I don't need to force a baby to sleep alone at 6 months, to ensure that they're sleeping alone when they're three or that they have healthy sleep habits.  It just happens..they just naturally grow up and become less needy and more independent.

I can honestly say that I've never felt sleep-deprived from my babies nursing in the middle of the night.  The only times I have felt sleep deprived are when I stayed up too late, or  I was up with someone who was sick or injured.   But, never just from my babies waking up to nurse.  I honestly can't relate to moms talking about those sleep-deprived first few months, because I'm wasn't sleep-deprived.  I sleep, baby sleeps, we all sleep together and it works for us.

And, my babies have never seemed sleep-deprived or been cranky from nursing at night or nursing to sleep.  The only time they've been cranky and sleep deprived is when they haven't napped enough.  And, that's not the fault of co-sleeping or nursing to sleep...that's the fault of us having places to go and people to see and things to do and simply not being home during nap, so they had cat naps in the car, or fell asleep in the sling at the grocery store or were pulled out of bed and thrown into the car to rush off to piano lessons.

On the flip side though, the advantage of nursing to sleep is that my babies are very adaptable and will nap anywhere.  So, a 1-year old who sleeps all through Mass...SWEET!

The other advantage is that co-sleeping and night-nursing delays the onset of the return of fertility...and provides a form of "natural child spacing".   My children are all spaced fairly far apart, and this form of co-sleeping/breastfeeding is a large reason why. Now, some people may not care about that, or may want closely spaced children (and that's great). But for those who do, or who are unsure about NFP...ecological breastfeeding/co-sleeping/continued nursing at night can work and provide a natural form of child-spacing.  Of course there are exceptions..there are always exceptions...but it totally does work for me. 

And, I as I said earlier...I respect the fact that everyone parents differently and that every family does what works from them.   I really believe that.  Co-sleeping doesn't work for everyone.  My purpose in writing this post is to show that babies and toddlers can naturally learn healthy sleep habits and independent sleep in their own time without being "trained" into it.  You don't HAVE to teach a baby how to sleep alone or how to fall asleep alone.  They WILL figure it out...eventually..in their own time.

*Dr. Sears talks about this.  When babies are first born, they fall asleep asleep differently than adults.  They go from awake to light/REM sleep and then into deep sleep, which is why it's so hard to put a newborn baby down when they first fall asleep.  They don't fall straight into deep sleep the way an older baby or an adult does. As they get older, this gradually shifts and they start to fall asleep and enter deep sleep earlier and faster (similar to the way an older child falls asleep and at that point, they become much easier to lay down if they fall asleep nursing or being rocked).   I can always tell when Elsa is ready to be put down because her head rolls back in my arms...the rolling head is a sure sign of deep sleep. 

And, since it just happens to be Sunday, I'm linking up with Fine Linen and Purple for What I Wore Sunday...because that's what I do .  I just can't let a Sunday go by without letting you all know what I wore (because I'm sure you all just care so much..or not).

The photographer wanted to stage the picture this way. 

You've seen all these pieces before.  Everything is second hand...and that black cloth peaking out of the top of my shirt...that's actually a belly band worn..not-on-the-belly.  But, hey..it works. 

Real Learning...Homeschooling Philosophy Then and Now

Linking up with Micaela at California to Korea for Homeschooling Dreams: Share your educational philosophy.

Doing school with the Infant of  Prague

I used to have another blog.  Actually, I still have it, but I haven't blogged on it for a long time.  I started that blog back in March, 2010 and last blogged on it in 2011.  Back then I was more opinionated, back then I was more sure that my way, is the right way, the only way.  

Time and experience has softened me. 

Time and experience has taught me that there is more than one right way to raise children and more than one right way to educate them. 

I parent the way I do, because it works for us...but I no longer believe it is THE ONLY WAY.   

It is just the way we do things. 

And, way back on that blog...I wrote the following post.  I called it, Real Learning...and it was all about my homeschooling philosophy.  The Now-Me shudders at what the Then-Me wrote....because the Now-Me knows that Real Learning CAN happen in schools and it can happen at home.  I know that some children thrive in schools and some children thrive at home and it's all okay. 

I'm posting it here now...because some of this is still my philosophy and I've added in some additions/clarifications from the Now-Me (in blue).

Real Learning..March 7, 2010

Since my oldest daughter was just a tiny baby, I've always been attracted to the idea of homeschooling. As a college student, I spent a summer living with a Catholic, homeschooling family while I interned at a nearby museum. That Now-Me is not nearly as shy online as the Then-Me..so I'll just go ahead and tell all.  The museum I worked at was Plimoth Plantation.  How cool is that?...I worked at Plimoth Plantation, I didn't wear a costume and dress up though.   That was really my first "up close" look at homeschooling with regular, every-day, normal people....they listened to country music (which at the time, I loved.),  they wore regular clothes (no denim jumpers ;)), and their children were just normal kids (not super genius' nor special needs).  The lifestyle greatly attracted me.

Therefore, when my oldest hit three or so, and all the other playgroup mommies were looking at preschools, we opted to stay home.  The idea of dropping a little 3-yo (who was barely out of diapers and still not even weaned) off to hang out with a teacher and bunch of other 3-yo's just didn't appeal to me.   Then she turned 4...and we continued to opt out of preschool. The Now-Me would probably have no qualms about dropping a 4-year old off at a good, trustworthy preschool other than the fact that I would hate to be beholden to the preschool schedule...that would put too much of a cramp in our homeschooling style so we still opt out of preschool.  By the time she was officially "school-age"   (and yes,by then she had been weaned for some time) I felt we were firmly entrenched in the "homeschooling world".

Over the years, I've learned that homeschooling is not about "keeping my children out of school".  It's not about avoiding  "those horrible public schools" with all the horror stories you hear. For our family, homeschooling is a continuation of attachment parenting.   In some ways this is still true.  I know my weaknesses.  Once my children are weaned, and sleeping in their own rooms and generally, not so needy, I do struggle with attachment somewhat. Homeschooling helps ME in that regard.  I know LOTS of other parents are able to remain attached while using public/private schools, but I tend to be selfish with my time.  I tend to prefer to blog, or surf the internet, or do my own thing, rather than play with my kids or read them stories.  Homeschooling forces me to focus on THEM.  

It is about listening to our children and their needs, letting them learn at their own pace, free from worries about bullies and the teasing of other kids and boys being allowed into the girl's bathroom. (ok, so I guess there are parts of school we want to "protect' our children from).   It's about choosing to still be intricately involved in their education. It's about doing what works for each child, even if that means finding something new for child number two.  While we aren't unschoolers, we aren't strict "school-at-home" types, often choosing to follow the irresistible calling of a warm, sunny, spring day or dropping everything for impromptu playdates. This is still mostly true, although lately we've been moving into the classical mindset.  We've been learning through good books and classic stories and even memorization has its place.

Education is about much more than books and sometimes the best lessons learned happen without being planned.  I love the freedom that homeschooling gives our days, we aren't tied to school schedules or time-lines. We have freedom and time to pursue different interests and activities ...learning things like ice skating and tennis, theater and music and dance.   It is having the chance to observe snakes on hikes or writing stories on rainy afternoons. Still true...I think this freedom of time is one of the biggest draws for me towards homeschooling.  I love not being beholden to the school schedule.  Although now, money constraints prevent us from pursing a lot of those activities.  And, the socialization is the best kind there is, with people of all different ages, children of different ages and families who share our values.  Contrary to popular belief, I'm quite sure our children have more friends than they ever would in school. One of my favorite things about homeschooling is that we have more "family friends" instead of just "kid friends" and I make friends right alongside my kids. However, the family is still the core of our lives.  Sisters become the very best of friends and it is heart-warming to see an 8-yo teaching her little 5-yo sister how to read.  Change that to an 11-year old and 8-year old teaching their 5-year old brother to read, and it's still true...and still heartwarming. 

Not to say that everything is sunshine and roses, my house is always messy, and there are days I yell way too much and want nothing more than to drop everyone off for seven hours.  However, when it all comes down to it, we would choose real-learning at home, every time.  I'm not sure that I would choose it every time   If we had a really awesome, super great school (preferably Catholic) available to us...it would be a hard choice although I would probably still choose homeschooling.  One thing we've really gotten into the past few years are coops.  I LOVE having my children take just a few classes once a week from another teacher.  We've been very involved in coops over the last few years, and it's been an awesome experience and a great balance of learning from mom and learning from others  I feel that my years of education taught me nothing more than to pursue that 'A', to please teachers, turn my homework in on time, be quiet and obedient and follow the rules.   That is not what I want to teach my children. I want my children to learn that the sole purpose of education is not to get an A or please a teacher that you won't see again once the school year is over. This is still a prime reason why I homeschool.  I did great in school..straight A's, valedictorian...but once I got into the REAL WORLD, I didn't feel all that prepared.  All I was good at was school...so it was kinda a wake-up call when I didn't have school to be good at anymore and I wasn't really good at anything. 

By bells and many other similar techniques they (schools) teach that nothing is worth finishing. The gross error of this is progressive: if nothing is worth finishing then by extension nothing is worth starting either. Few children are so thick-skulled they miss the point. - John Taylor Gatto 

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Education is the period during which you are being instructed by somebody you do not know, about something you do not want to know. - G k Chesterton

That G.K Chesterton sure has a way of putting things.