7 Reasons My Kids Play Chess...And Why Yours Should Too

Okay, I'm not going to actually tell you what your kids should do....cause this blog isn't about telling people what to do.

I am, however, going to tell you about all the benefits I've discovered from our kids playing chess.

I'm not a chess player....wait...let me take that back.  Technically I am card-carrying member of the United States Chess Federation and I have a rating (302...which if you don't know, is not very good).   I even won the Third Place Medal in the Kentucky State Women's Chess Championship in 2001.   I lost every single game...amazingly they still gave me a medal...that's what happens when there are only three women players. 

As I was saying, I'm not a chess player...but I married one...a really good one that played in competitive tournaments and won money even occasionally.   So, I started to play a little bit, but I was never that into it.  I just don't have the competitive nature to play chess.

But...my kids are really into chess.  Really, really into it.  I'm constantly shocked at how much time they spend playing chess and talking about chess and studying chess and watching chess videos.   They are constantly coming to me and saying things like Mom, you should see this game I played. I played e4 and he played knight g6 and then I castled and we traded queens and he sacked his bishop and we had the Lucena position and then a rook endgame.  Meanwhile I'm all oh, yes, the rook endgame, fascinating.  

And, if you are a chess player reading this (cough, Ben, cough) cut me some slack if the above makes no sense.  I just made it up...as I said, I'm not a chess player.

My kids have known how to play chess for several years, but it wasn't until we moved to Virginia that there were actually able to play in tournaments....hence when they started to get really into it.  And, since that time, I've noticed some awesome benefits about playing chess.

1.

Chess is cheap, as far as activities go.  Sure, you can spend a lot of money flying to national tournaments and all (and we might do that once we actually have some money to spare) but for now, we just stay local and that is plenty fun for them.  Or, you could spend big bucks and pay a Master to teach your kids, but you don't need that.  My husband got to a pretty high rating in chess, all being self-taught.  The equipment is minimal and tournament entry fees are usually very affordable.   Plus, it doesn't take a huge commitment. You can go to tournaments or not...depending on your schedule...there is no major time commitment involved. There are lots of great chess programs and books and other ways that kids can teach themselves, all very affordable. 

2.

You win some, you lose some.  And that is important.  It teaches kids how to both win and lose gracefully.  Which is a really, really, really important skill to learn.   Chess is an individual game...so you can't count on your teammates to help you during a game...it's just you, so you have to learn to handle pressure and stress and winning and losing all by yourself.  Sometimes you have a good tournament and take home a trophy, and sometimes you lose more games than you win.  And, that's okay, because you have to learn how to handle both situations.

3.

It teaches you to slow down and really think. Good chess players really think about their moves and consider them carefully before making a move.  It takes persistence and practice to really think about your moves and not just make the first move that comes to mind.  I'm constantly amazed at how Heidi and Greta have been known to play really long games...over an hour even, because they (and their opponent) are really taking the time to carefully consider their moves.   

4.

Age and size don't matter.  Every single one of my kids could beat me at chess, easily. Chess isn't about who is the oldest or who is the strongest.  It's pretty funny to see this little kid beat a much older kid, or even adults.  There is some advantage to age, but not as much as you might think. 

5.

Critical Thinking. Chess improves critical thinking skills and logic skills.  You have to anticipate your opponent's move, you have to learn to apply strategy to different situations and you have to think ahead....many, many, many moves ahead. Plus, Ben says that chess helped him during law school...so if you think your kids might want to go to law school, have them play chess.

6.

Improved Math Skills. Seriously..I do think that playing chess has improved my kids math skills.  As a homeschooler, math is our worst subject...nothing against math, it's just..you know...math.  So, improved skills and better retention of math facts is a definite plus.

7.

Chess brings people together. Well...at least other chess players that is.  According to Ben, if you sit down somewhere and set up a chess set, people will come over and want to play with you.  So, apparently there is the whole social chess network, where chess players are drawn to other so they can chat over strategy and games. So, even as adults, it's a good social skill to have.  Plus, my kids spend an inordinate amount of time going over their games with each other and with other kids.  So, it brings them together, because they like to replay their games, discuss strategy and and argue over moves.  Yes, they do argue over moves....it's all part of the fun.

So, those are my reasons why chess is so great for kids.  Any other chess players or chess moms/dads want to chime in with any benefits you've noticed?

(linking up with Jen for 7 Quick Takes Friday)

WIWS and my parenting philosophy...A & R are key.

So, I've only been at this parenting thing for 11.5 years now.  I am most definitely NOT an expert..by any means.  And, I don't have teens and I've never raised kids through the teenage years.  I fail every day as a parent and still yell way too much.

I'm writing this post mostly for me, to remind myself of what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I've read a lot of parenting books and blogs....and I've seen all sorts of conflicting advice.

Spanking/no-spanking.  Gentle discipline/first time obedience.   Strict parenting/playful parenting/etc.

And, I've talked to friends about their relationship with their own parents or friends with adult children and those who have or haven't kept the faith.

And, honestly, I think that no matter what your parenting philosophy or how you discipline your kids....the keys to parenting are A & R.

Acceptance

I think this is vitally important.  Children need to feel acceptance from their parents.  They need to really believe that their parents accept them for WHO they are...their individual like and dislikes, talents and weaknesses.  We may not always accept their behavior..but we always need to ACCEPT them..in all their weaknesses, quirks and strengths.   They never should feel like they aren't good enough or are a disappointment.   This doesn't mean we accept their behavior.  This is why parenting is so hard...we need to show love and acceptance, while still teaching right from wrong.  

It's hard because so many times as parents, we view our children as extensions of ourselves.  We think that they REFLECT us.  So, we're afraid to let them be themselves, because we're afraid that people will judge us.   But, we need to let them be themselves..to pursue their own interests, let them dress how they want (within reason).  While we have guidelines and rules, we need to realize that our children aren't us and will have different likes and dislikes and styles and tastes and that's okay...because they need to be WHO they are and we need to accept them.  We don't get to choose our children...they are given to us from God...and we don't get to choose what they are like or who they are.  Sometimes I think, this is what makes parenting so hard.  Parenting is not about molding or training children into what we want them to be...but about accepting who they are and helping them be the person that God wants them to be. 

Relationship 

Relationship is the second key.  It's why we generally practice attachment parenting, although I don't in any way believe that is the only way to foster a good relationship with children.  It is just the way that comes most naturally TO ME.  And, really the key to attachment parenting is attachment...not a list of rules like co-sleeping and breastfeeding, those are mere ways of facilitating that attachment, that relationship.  And, no matter what your parenting philosophy is, I feel like that relationship is key.   It's important that parents have a good relationship with their children.  And, this is a large part of the reason why we homeschool.  I in no way believe that homeschooling is the only way to have a good relationship with children.  It is just the way that works FOR OUR FAMILY.   And, I think no matter how you school or parent, fostering a good relationship with children is key.  Our children need to feel that we generally love them and like them.  I think it's important for our children to feel that they can talk to us about anything or ask us anything and that we won't get mad or judge them.  For our family, homeschooling is a way of fostering that relationship because it forces us to spend more time together...talking and learning, discussing and sometimes even debating.  It helps me to really know my children.  Of course, it's not the only way, but it's the way that works for us.  

However, no matter how you parent or educate..I really believe that Acceptance and Relationship are the two most important factors. 

And hey, hey, hey...since it just so happens to be Sunday...again...I'm linking up with FLAP for WIWS. 

You can't really see it...but this skirt has some very pretty embroidering on the bottom..  It's one of my favorites...so it's kinda weird that I hardly ever wear it.

Hey Mom, you know that picture you painted...well there it is...on our mantel!


So, the skirt is really old..like circa 2000.  The tank is Old Navy and the shirt is thrifted.  The shoes are from Payless...and not my favorite.  I think this outfit would look really good in boots...but I don't have any..yet (plus it's still kinda hot) although our new church keeps the air conditioning at a temperature most appropriate for penguins, so I think they would have been fine there. .  Boots are definitely on my wish/want list for the fall though. . 

WIWS, My thoughts on cry rooms and a blog every day for a week

So, Jen at Conversion Diary put forth a challenge to bloggers to blog every day for a week.  Since, I already try to post at least 4 or 5 days out of  7, I figure that it shouldn't be too hard for me to blog all 7 days...right?  So, I'm in...a post a day for an entire week.  I know you all are simply thrilled to be reading more drivel. 

And, then Kendra at Catholic All Year put a link-up about cry rooms and since I am totally a joiner, I'm hopping on that bandwagon and putting my 2 pennies in.   Kendra thinks they should be filled with cement.

Me...I think they can be used appropriately in certain situations.   

Here's why. 

Kendra writes this:

I've never been inside one where families were making an attempt to participate in the Mass. I have experienced children loudly playing with baskets of noisy toys and parents chatting in full voice about their plans for the weekend.

This, however, has NOT been my experience.  Maybe, it's different parts of the country, or different areas or something, but that just hasn't been my experience.

Now, let me say, that of the churches we have attended regularly, I would say that at least 50% of them didn't have a cry room..so it wasn't even an option.  I think a lot of the older churches don't have them...and in my experience, the older churches tend be a bit more...traditional and we tend to gravitate towards attending those churches.  

Also, my children are spaced 2 2/3 years, 3 1/3 years and 4 1/2 years apart..so since becoming a parent 11 years ago, there have been several periods of time where we simply had no use for a cry room, so I didn't really pay attention to what they were like.

All that is to say that my cry room experience may be much more limited than that of other parents.

In my opinion/experience a cry room is generally only appropriate for kids between 12 months and maybe 2 or 2 1/2.  There are exceptions...I do have a few friends with children that honestly weren't really able to sit still during Mass until age 4 or 4 1/2 and in those cases, the child, in question, did have an "issue" (ie. sensory integration disorder or something)..so there are children who may reach that milestone later.

But, generally (as in for all my kids), babies less than 12 months are usually content enough being held/nursed/fed either sitting in the pew or being held/walked along the back of church (a sling can make that SO MUCH easier).   By age 2 1/2, I think many kids are developmentally able to sit through Mass, with maybe the aid of a few (preferably religious) books to look at.  At least my children have been.  However, the period of time between about 12 months and 2 or 2 1/2 is REALLY, REALLY hard for Mass behavior, with the worst being between 14 and 22 months.  I think developmentally, young toddlers just aren't there yet...they have a really, really, really hard time sitting still or being held when they want to get down and they just aren't developmentally able to understand consequences or rules the way an older child is.   So, in those cases, I think a small, enclosed room where they child can walk around and quietly look at books while the parent prays along/follows the Mass can be very helpful.

And, we HAVE been in cry rooms where that is exactly what happens.  The child is is happy to have a small amount of freedom and the parent can pray along/still follow the Mass.

So, in that vein...I've come up with some rules/guidelines that we tend to follow when using cry rooms so that our children still learn to behave at Mass and by age 2 1/2 or so.

1. Only use the cry room as a last resort.  We never just go and sit in it right off the bat.  We usually can get through the first 20-30 minutes or so of Mass by nursing (my kids all nursed until age 3...which is partly why they are spaced a bit further...I'll probably write a post on that later this week), looking at books and playing with quiet toys.  So, we do lots of nursing of toddlers and then quiet books and only when things get really bad do we take them in a cry room.

2. Only 1 parent and the child who needs the cry room sit in it...we try not to take older kids that developmentally don't need it, into the cry room.

3. If possible, attend an earlier Mass, where the cry room is likely to be less crowded (or not at all).   I think that is probably the number one reason why I haven't really experienced the crazy cry rooms with the parents talking about their weekend plans.  In my experience, cry rooms are less crowded (and hence less crazy) at an 8 AM Mass, versus at a 10 AM Mass, and I generally prefer to attend a bit earlier, so I would say that most of the time we've been in a cry room, there has been at most 1 other parent/child in it.   And, most of the time, the parent is quietly following along and the child is maybe quietly playing.  And, many times, we are the ONLY ones there..which is even better!

By generally following these rules (there have been exceptions) we've managed to make judicious use of cry rooms with young toddlers and still managed to teach our kids how to sit still and make it through Mass by age 2 1/2 or so.

And, now, since I know you are just dying to know what I wore today....here is my Sunday outfit...linking up with FLAP for this one.

Yeah...so I have no clue why it's such a weird angle, other than the fact that my photographer was being silly. 

The shirt is from Wal-mart.  The skirt and shoes were given to me.  The belt is SUPER old...(like maybe from high school) and I found it when I was going through some things.  Anyway, certain bloggers (namely Rosie and Laura) have gotten me interested in wearing belts..but I'm never quite sure how to wear them.  I'm always afraid that if I wear it too high (like right under my breast) it makes me look pregnant...so I tend to go for wearing it around the hips.but I'm not sure if that's the best.  And, I'm not sure if this belt really adds much to this outfit...but I had just found it and was excited to try it.

So, any belt-wearing tips?

As for Mass behavior goes...Elsa..who is 10-months and quickly approaching cry-room needing stage, gets a C-.  Ben had to take her out into the narthex...where she proceeded to eat a holy card and then when she came back in, she played the I want Mommy, No, I Want Daddy, No, I Want Mommy, No, I Want Daddy game.   Everyone else doesn't get graded, because they are old enough to always get an A. 

And, I think this is my longest, WIWS Sunday post ever.  So, bravo if you made it to the end. 

t

Children: Burden or Blessing?

I recently came across an article entitled The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life.   To be quite honest, I found it to be disturbing and my heart aches for her adult children who had such a hurtful statement publicly published about them.   But, I don't necessarily think she is/was a horrible mother.  She is just putting into words what our culture teaches.  

The article is full of quotes like this:

 I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

I'm wondering how she knows her marriage would have been better without the children?   It says in the article that her husband dearly wanted children...so perhaps not having them would have driven a rift between the couple? Who knows?

But, I do know that marriage is about sacrifice and compromise.  It is about putting the other person first and giving as much as your are getting.   I believe that many marriages fail because people believe that marriage is about What can you give me? instead of What can I give you?

Raising children is definitely a sacrifice and lots of hard work and a huge load of putting the other person first.  However,  many couples find that their marriage improves with the addition of children because the more one makes sacrifices and puts another person's needs first, the easier it becomes.  The sacrifices we make for our children, carry over into our marriage and make it stronger.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

 Again, how can she know what her life would have been like without children?  Would she have been happier?  I don't know.  But, I do know that someone  like Mother Teresa who spent her whole life serving others, seemed to be very happy.   I know that in my own life...times when I am the least selfish (and I can be very selfish at times) are the times when I am the happiest.   For it is in giving of ourselves that we receive (from the Prayer of St. Francis which St. Francis probably never said). 

What I valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn't there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding on it. And I've never got that peace back.

Don't we all?  She sounds seriously introverted.  I am somewhat introverted myself...and I do oftentimes long for more peace and quiet and time to reflect.  But, I don't for one second believe that having more peace and time to myself would make me happier.  A little more would be nice....but not a huge, empty void of childless peace. 

 I never wanted to hurt Stuart - I only wanted him to prosper and thrive. There is no doubt I grew to love him very much, and indeed still do. But I always wished I had never had him.

This statement seems rather paradoxical to me.  Love does not wish someone didn't exist. I do not understand how one could say in the same sentence I love you, but I wish you had never been born. For, if she hadn't had him..he would not be here.  She later talks about her son's wife and his two children...I bet they are happy he exists.   I bet her son and daughter have both touched the loves of countless other people...people who ARE happy they exist.

  It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

This is true...very, very true.  But, that's not a bad thing.  Losing our natural, inborn selfishness is not a bad thing...in fact it is a very good thing.  But, our culture tells you that it is.  Our culture says that children are a burden, so hurry up and have your two kids and get them weaned and sleeping through the night and off to school and out of the house as soon as possible, so we don't have to be burdened with them anymore.   Once they are gone, we will have the freedom to jet off to Italy and eat at fancy restaurants and read important books and pursue big careers...because those things have so much more value than bringing new life into the world and raising children.  Our society tells us that being a burden is bad...so it's best if all the babies with down syndrome or other health issues requiring special care are aborted...and the old people, or those who are terminally ill, or in a coma...well they aren't worth anything either...so let's just euthanize them.

But that's all lies I tell you..all lies.  Everyone comes into this world as a helpless, newborn baby.  Everyone comes into this world as a burden.   As a burden..but also as a blessing.   Every person's life is valuable..and I find it incredibly sad that Ms. Dutton does not see the value of her own children's lives.  Sad...but not surprising.

It is her tragedy that eight years ago she developed multiple sclerosis and had to give up her job as a chef. She is now bed-bound and lives with Tony and me.
I am her full-time carer and if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would. She knows I would do anything to relieve her suffering and that I will care for her as long as I am able. I am 57 now and as I approach old age, I have an ever-more dependent daughter.
Yet I would cut off my right arm if she or Stuart needed it.
And that, maybe, is the paradox. I am a conscientious and caring parent - yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been.

When it comes right down to it, it does sound as though Ms. Dutton does love her children...it's a shame that she didn't value them and their human dignity enough to not publicly or privately state how much she regrets them.  It's a shame that our society views children as a burden.  And, it's even more of a shame how many children aren't born because people don't want to be burdened with a blessing.

Who's on first?

This article recently popped up in my Facebook feed. It's all about how Giuliana Rancic,

Look at all the priests we had at our wedding.

who by the way I have no idea who she is, because I tend to be super clueless about celebrities and pop culture and all that, said she puts her marriage first before her baby.  Why this is news, I don't know, because I personally don't care too much about celebrities. However, the article did get me thinking about who's on first...as in who is my first priority.

 I find it to be an odd question actually...Who comes first..kids or marriage?. It seems like just another way to pit parenting style against parenting style. The marriage first people are all:  

My marriage comes first because that is the base of our family, and we never, ever, ever, ever, let our kids in our bed, and we leave our kids with a babysitter once a week for date night and twice a year for weekends away. And, when my husband and I are talking, my kids never, ever interrupt, and when my husband comes home, all my focus is on him.

Who lives like that? And, who has enough babysitters or preferably family, willing to watch their kids so they can go away on vacations alone twice a year...because whoever does I kinda want them to adopt me. (Just kidding, Mom).

And, then the kids first people are all:

We choose to have kids, and every single second of my day is devoted to my kids and if they so much as make a peep we come running, and we would never, ever, ever leave them with a babysitter or go to any childless functions and we spend every single second of every single day focused on them.

And to that, I just say...Are you crazy..because you must have way more patience than I do.
 
And, really...who does either of those things? Because, the truth is that priorities change...they change with the season, they change with the stage and they change in the moment. Sometimes the baby cries and wakes up and is fussy and wants to nurse .all.the.time and then she takes priority. And, sometimes Heidi needs help with a math problem or Greta needs help with her writing and that takes priority. Sometimes, John needs something or is having a tantrum, and he takes priority. And, sometimes, Ben and I are trying to have a conversation or spend time together and we kick all the kids (except the baby) out of a room so we can share a meal together or talk without anyone interrupting, and marriage take priority. And, sometimes Ben himself takes priority, like when I have to hold his hand while he fills out the bar application...except I can't literally hold it, since he needs his hands for typing and mouse clicking and all that. And, sometimes it is the hunk of meat sizzling on the stove that takes priority..because if I don't attend to it, it will burn. And, I would never, ever just walk away from something on the stove and let it burn. And, sometimes I take priority...because I'm working out or taking a shower or getting dressed or writing or doing some other totally pressing thing like Facebook and then I yell loudly call for someone else to pick up the baby or make John a peanut butter sandwich or whatever someone needs at the moment. And ,hopefully, all the the time, God takes priority..although not necessarily in hours spent in prayer each day, but in the way we live our lives, the way we treat others and the way we do our work. I know there is some famous quote about that...something about how a mother is called to leave the alter of prayer and find her Lord in the dirty dishes and daily work..or something like that. I don't know the exact quote or how to look it up, but I've always liked it.

Being part of a family is all about balancing each family member's needs, as they are, at the present moment.   It's not about who is most important or who takes priority or which came first, but about helping everyone work harmoniously together. Or at least that's the way it should be...not saying that's always the way it is..just the way it should be and the ideal we strive towards. I don't see my marriage or my kids as being more important...they both are..and they each take priority in different times and different seasons and different moments.