How to Respect Your Children While Using Social Media

Anyone else completely torn over how much of their children they should put on social media?

 I love sharing pictures of my children, I love sharing their cute stories and things they say.

I know my friends and family like to read it.  I know my friends and family like to see it. I know cute kid pictures and posts gets tons of comments and likes and views. 

Everyone wants to show off their kids, and share their funny sayings....because well, it's fun.  We love our children.  We're proud of them.  Everyone thinks their kids are the cutest, the smartest, the funniest.

We want to share it and people like to read that.  And, that is a good thing. 

But, the thing is, children are people too.  And they don't stay small forever.   They grow up, and then they have to live with whatever their parents posted about them forever. 

And, I'm really, really wondering how this generation of children is going to feel about having their entire childhood blasted over social media.....blogs, Facebook, Instagram, etc., etc, etc. 

How are they going to feel about the fact that we may spend a considerable amount of time, talking and writing about them, in a public forum.   Even Facebook and things like that are more public than we like to think.  Nothing is really private anymore.  Nothing. 

Laura wrote about this a few months back, and I really appreciated her excellent post, but it dealt a bit more with safety issues.  I'm talking more about how our kids will feel.  I don't want my kids to ever look back at this blog and cringe or feel violated by the stories or photos I post of them. 

Some bloggers avoid talking about their kids at all, some bloggers don't call their kids by name (using things like #1), and some bloggers, like Jessica, come up with totally super awesome pseudonyms for their kids. I honestly wish I had thought of that before I started this blog.   But, I didn't.  I use my kids' real names, which are great names, if I do say so myself. 

I'm not saying this is perfect, but, I've come up with 7 rules for myself, to respect my kids while still sharing them on social media.   If you feel differently, that's okay.  And, I apply these rules to all social media....blogs, Facebook, Instagram (not that I use Instragam, but if I did, I would apply them). 

1. The older they get, the less I talk/post about them.  This blog probably has the most pictures and discussion of my one-year old on it.  Why...because she's just a baby/toddler and it's hard to imagine anyone being embarrassed by baby/toddler pictures or funny stories.  Everyone knows babies/toddlers do cute/funny things, and things that could be embarrassing when a four year old does it are not that embarrassing for a one-year old.

2. With my older kids, I ask them before posting pictures or stories.  Usually they are all, yes, yes, post this picture or share my story on your blog. I want to be famous!  Well, this blog is far from famous, so they may be waiting quite a long time for that to happen..   But, sometimes they say no, don't post that.  And, I don't. 

3. I only post flattering pictures.  Before I post a picture, I think about if I would be okay if this picture was printed in the newspaper.   The printed in the newspaper thing is my personal gauge for if a photo is okay.  So, pictures of my kids playing chess...totally okay.  Pictures of them half-naked, covered in marker....that personally crosses the line for me, even for toddlers.  

4. Only fully clothed pictures.. even with babies and toddlers. I'm just not comfortable with naked, half-naked or semi-naked pictures.  Goes back to the whole printed in the newspaper thing...would not want a picture like that (even of a cute little baby) in the paper.   My only exception to this would be birth pictures of total newborn (as in just exited the womb within the last 30 minutes) babies. 

5. I don't post naughty or bad stories.   Okay...maybe a  few of the young toddler/baby (goes back to the whole age thing)...but the older they get, the less likely I am to post their escapades.  By older I mean even like 4-5.  I feel that a teen or adult is more likely to be more embarrassed by their 4 year old self than by their 2 year old self. 

6. I don't post anything that could be embarrassing in the future.  This is just me...but I try to steer clear from talk about bodily functions, potty-training mishaps, or things like that.  I know that stuff is funny, but I'm just personally not comfortable with it, and I have no idea how my kids will feel about it in the future. I don't want them to ever feel violated in the future by what I wrote/shared about them. 

7. I try to avoid talking too specifically or too much about my frustrations with my kids, how they drive me crazy, how I can't wait until bedtime or how I want nothing more than to ship them off to boarding school (if you are reading this children of mine, rest assured, I don't/didn't want to send you to boarding school). Some venting is okay..but I try to stay away from mentioning specific children or giving the impression that I find them a burden (I don't for one thing).  And, I don't want future kids to come back and read this someday and feel badly about themselves...that they were too much of a burden, that they drove me crazy or anything else.  I do vent sometimes and try to be realistic, but I also try to keep in mind that someday my kids might read this.  I don't want to make them feel badly in the future about what I'm writing now.  

Navigating social media is a new thing for all of us.  Sometimes I wish the internet and social media had existed when I was kid (there would be more of a record of my childhood, more pictures, more stories, etc.), but sometimes I'm awfully glad it didn't.   It really does remain to be seen what the effect of all this public documentation will have on our kids.   This is what I do, to try and prevent it from having too much of negative effect on them.   Maybe you do it differently...and that's okay.  No one really knows what the right way is, because it's all uncharted territory. 

And, since there are 7 rules I try to follow, I'll link up with Jen for 7 Quick Takes Friday. 

The Advantages of Picky Eaters....and How We Deal With Them

Picky eating....it's a topic most parents struggle with.  How to deal with it?  Do you allow it?  

Picky Eating Has Advantages....Yes, it really, really does.  At least in my very, very limited scope of experience.  My children who are picky are naturally thin and more in tune to their body's natural feelings of fullness and satiation than my child who is not picky.  I've seen these children (on occasion) leave the bottom half of an ice cream cone because they were full.  They frequently leave food on their plates.  I consider that a good thing, because they don't overeat...ever.   Even if it's their favorite food, they don't overeat. In our society nowadays, that is big. That is HUGE. That ability to be in tune to your own body and not overeat is major.  Maybe if we lived in a society where food is scarce, this would be a disadvantage.  But, in the land of the plenty, I consider it to be an advantage. 

My experience with adults is even more limited, but I think adults who tend to be a bit picky may be a bit less likely to overeat and a bit more in tune their body's natural feeling of satiation.  Just a generality and there are a million and one exceptions, but very, very generally speaking the people I've have known who have been on the picker side, tend to be a bit on the thinner side.  Again, there a million exceptions, or course.

Since some kids are naturally choosy about what they eat, we only let them choose healthy foods.   We generally eat a very whole foods, natural diet.   My kids can't be all, I'm only going to eat frozen chicken nuggets and Kraft Mac N' Cheese and Lucky Charms, because I never buy those things.  Never, ever, ever.   Our weekly grocery shopping cart generally consists of things like milk. cheese, yogurt, meat/fish, eggs, butter, oatmeal, whole grain bread, peanut butter, "natural" jelly, pasta, rice, beans, nuts, baking supplies, large amounts of fruits and vegetables and of course ice cream (which is only for Sundays). 

  We don't buy convenience foods or packaged foods or things like that.  So, my kids can't decide to only eat crackers and chicken nuggets and peanut butter fluff sandwiches because we don't buy those things. 

I try to make at least one thing each person likes at each dinner.  Our dinners generally consist of meat/starch (rice or pasta or potatoes)/vegetables or something meatless like homemade macaroni and cheese, homemade pizza or bean dishes.   Each child does not have to eat everything, but they have to eat something and they have to eat at least a very tiny portion of vegetables.  

If they are still hungry after dinner.  If they absolutely don't like anything (besides the vegetables), they can choose to eat an acceptable dinner alternative, but they have to get/make it themselves.  The choices for this in our house are pretty much yogurt (whole milk, plain, organic), oatmeal, peanut butter sandwich, cheese sandwich or eggs.  I don't cook a second dinner, but I don't prevent them form making their own healthy alternative either. 

I don't make them clean their plate.  If they don't finish everything, I put it away and usually Ben or I will  eventually eat it as leftovers.   I'm not picky that way. 

I make sure they are hungry. I've found that not allowing snacks in the 2 hours before dinnertime encourages better eating at dinner.  If they're hungry, they eat more, eat better and are less picky. 

I don't sweat it. In my experience, most kids do outgrow picky eating and become a bit more adventurous as they get older. They may still not eat everything, but they eat more and more. 

Some big parenting expert...can't remember who...(maybe Dr. Sears?  maybe Ellyn Satter? anyone know?) once said something along of the lines of your job is to provide healthy foods, your child's job is to eat it.  It was something like that anyway.  The gist is, the parent decides what is served and when and the child decides if they want to eat it or not.  And, that is what we do.   Starting with babies.  I basically do child fed weaning, which means I let my babies self-feed themselves, starting with table food, right around 6-7 months.  They basically feed themselves from then on.  Yes, this is quite messy, but they get pretty adapt at feeding themselves and using utensils earlier than they probably otherwise would.  And, since they are given table food right from the beginning, they never have to transition to it, they just start eating it. 

This is what we do.  It remains to be seen of course, but I'm hopeful that our children will continue generally healthy eating habits once they are grown.

How do you handle picky eating in your house?  Any tips or tricks?  What works and doesn't work for you. 

Children: Burden or Blessing?

I recently came across an article entitled The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life.   To be quite honest, I found it to be disturbing and my heart aches for her adult children who had such a hurtful statement publicly published about them.   But, I don't necessarily think she is/was a horrible mother.  She is just putting into words what our culture teaches.  

The article is full of quotes like this:

 I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

I'm wondering how she knows her marriage would have been better without the children?   It says in the article that her husband dearly wanted children...so perhaps not having them would have driven a rift between the couple? Who knows?

But, I do know that marriage is about sacrifice and compromise.  It is about putting the other person first and giving as much as your are getting.   I believe that many marriages fail because people believe that marriage is about What can you give me? instead of What can I give you?

Raising children is definitely a sacrifice and lots of hard work and a huge load of putting the other person first.  However,  many couples find that their marriage improves with the addition of children because the more one makes sacrifices and puts another person's needs first, the easier it becomes.  The sacrifices we make for our children, carry over into our marriage and make it stronger.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

 Again, how can she know what her life would have been like without children?  Would she have been happier?  I don't know.  But, I do know that someone  like Mother Teresa who spent her whole life serving others, seemed to be very happy.   I know that in my own life...times when I am the least selfish (and I can be very selfish at times) are the times when I am the happiest.   For it is in giving of ourselves that we receive (from the Prayer of St. Francis which St. Francis probably never said). 

What I valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn't there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding on it. And I've never got that peace back.

Don't we all?  She sounds seriously introverted.  I am somewhat introverted myself...and I do oftentimes long for more peace and quiet and time to reflect.  But, I don't for one second believe that having more peace and time to myself would make me happier.  A little more would be nice....but not a huge, empty void of childless peace. 

 I never wanted to hurt Stuart - I only wanted him to prosper and thrive. There is no doubt I grew to love him very much, and indeed still do. But I always wished I had never had him.

This statement seems rather paradoxical to me.  Love does not wish someone didn't exist. I do not understand how one could say in the same sentence I love you, but I wish you had never been born. For, if she hadn't had him..he would not be here.  She later talks about her son's wife and his two children...I bet they are happy he exists.   I bet her son and daughter have both touched the loves of countless other people...people who ARE happy they exist.

  It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

This is true...very, very true.  But, that's not a bad thing.  Losing our natural, inborn selfishness is not a bad thing...in fact it is a very good thing.  But, our culture tells you that it is.  Our culture says that children are a burden, so hurry up and have your two kids and get them weaned and sleeping through the night and off to school and out of the house as soon as possible, so we don't have to be burdened with them anymore.   Once they are gone, we will have the freedom to jet off to Italy and eat at fancy restaurants and read important books and pursue big careers...because those things have so much more value than bringing new life into the world and raising children.  Our society tells us that being a burden is bad...so it's best if all the babies with down syndrome or other health issues requiring special care are aborted...and the old people, or those who are terminally ill, or in a coma...well they aren't worth anything either...so let's just euthanize them.

But that's all lies I tell you..all lies.  Everyone comes into this world as a helpless, newborn baby.  Everyone comes into this world as a burden.   As a burden..but also as a blessing.   Every person's life is valuable..and I find it incredibly sad that Ms. Dutton does not see the value of her own children's lives.  Sad...but not surprising.

It is her tragedy that eight years ago she developed multiple sclerosis and had to give up her job as a chef. She is now bed-bound and lives with Tony and me.
I am her full-time carer and if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would. She knows I would do anything to relieve her suffering and that I will care for her as long as I am able. I am 57 now and as I approach old age, I have an ever-more dependent daughter.
Yet I would cut off my right arm if she or Stuart needed it.
And that, maybe, is the paradox. I am a conscientious and caring parent - yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been.

When it comes right down to it, it does sound as though Ms. Dutton does love her children...it's a shame that she didn't value them and their human dignity enough to not publicly or privately state how much she regrets them.  It's a shame that our society views children as a burden.  And, it's even more of a shame how many children aren't born because people don't want to be burdened with a blessing.