Once Upon a Time to Happily Ever After

Do you watch Once Upon a Time? My eldest daughter introduces me to it when she asked me if she could watch it because all her friends were watching.   So, we both watched one episode.  I loved it.  She hated it.   Now I'm hooked and she doesn't watch. I'm on Season 4 on Netflix.  Not sure what I'll do when I finish that and Season 5 isn't available yet? That will be a sad, sad day. 

I love Once Upon a Time because it's so realistic.  Well..not the fireballs or magic beans or portals between worlds or ripping people's hearts out and storing them in your magic vault. But the rest of it. The way that people feel and act and behave.  The characters are always looking for a happily ever after....and they never find it. 

There is always one new plot twist, one new discovery, one new villain, one new hardship. Of course...that's how they keep the series alive, but that is also how real life is.

And the characters are so real.  No one is all good or all bad.  People change and grow just like they do in real life.  There are heroes and there are villains but they aren't always the same people.  Sometimes the villains do something heroic and the heroes does something villainous. 

Which is how life is.  There is no happily ever after, because crosses are always popping up.  Just when one thing gets settled, something else comes along.  Sure, our crosses are not quite the same as evil queens incinerating people or losing our loved ones when they fall in a portal to another world.  But we have our crosses just the same.  Sometimes we behave in a heroic manner and sometimes we are villainous.  

Kinda like marriage.  Everyone thinks marriage is happily ever after, but it's actually more like happily ever two days and then the next thing comes up.   

Today, Ben and I celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. Fifteen years seems like a really long time.  And it is. I remember when I was younger and I would hear about friends celebrating their 15th anniversary and I was all "wow, that's a long time".  Now, we are there. 

A few years ago, when we were only at 13 years, I dreamed of taking a romantic getaway for our 15th anniversary.  Unfortunately a getaway of any sort....romantic or not, is absolutely not in our budget.  So, we're just staying home...or maybe we'll go out for dinner. The good thing about making it to 15 years, and having had a baby within the first 2 years of marriage, is that we now have a built in babysitter who works cheap.....free for room and board. 

Every year at this time, I like to blog about marriage.  And even though the blog has been quieter as of late, this year is no different.   So here are my rambling thoughts on how to go from once upon a time to sorta happily ever after.  Because, after all, there will always be life's little and big crosses to bear. 

Always Try to Do the Right Thing.  That seems sorta obvious and not at the same time.   This world would be a much better place if people always tried to the right thing.   This world needs more heroes and less villains.  While most of us will probably never go on a quest to find the one ingredient in the potion to save some one's life, there are millions of other opportunities to do the right thing.  To be kind and considerate and not lazy or demanding. To put someone else first, instead of ourselves.  Anyone can be a hero...you don't have to pull someone from a burning building or jump in front of a moving train.  Even just putting someone else first and yourself last is heroic...just on a smaller scale. 

Don't Expect Your Spouse to Provide Happiness.  This is where my advice differs from the fairy tales.  Happily ever after doesn't come from anyone else.  You can't look to someone else to provide your happiness and joy.  They will fail you again and again and again, in both big ways and little.  The fairy tales and the movies would have us believe that happiness only comes from true love.  Not true.  The happiest people realize that they don't need someone else to be happy.  Happiness comes from within and above.   But mostly above.   So, don't look to someone else to provide happiness...it always fails.

Enjoy Each Other's Company. This is probably the biggest thing.  A marriage where both spouses enjoy each other's company is a happy marriage. 

What about you?  Do you have any good marriage advice?  Do you like Once Upon a Time? Talk to me. 

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

In honor of World Marriage Week and St. Valentine's Day, Mary is holding a link-up about lessons we've learned in every year of marriage.  Since we're still married 14 years later, clearly I must have learned SOMETHING along the way.   Maybe a little something, anyway. 

1. Everyone Changes - Neither Ben nor I are the same people we were 14 years ago.   Hopefully we've changed for the better.    But everyone changes.   When you marry someone, realize that you aren't just marrying them, you are marrying the person they will be years and years from now.  And you really don't know what that person will look like or be like.  Which just means that marriage is a journey and not an end destination.  It's a risky...but pretty much all things worth doing in life are risky.

2. Someone has to give in..it might as well be you.    Actually this really only works if BOTH people have this attitude,  If they are both willing to give in and are more concerned with the other person, than with being right.   Nothing kills a relationship more than someone who always has to be right. 

3. Don't turn little stuff into big stuff.  Let's just say that your spouse does something little...forgets an anniversary or snaps at you or forgets to call home when they are late or calls you too much on your cell phone or squeezes the toothpaste the wrong way.   Don't turn it into A BIG THING. It's not worth it and it's NOT A BIG THING.  So don't make it into one.  

4. Little Solutions Make A Big Difference I have this vague memory of hearing somewhere that a lot of couples get divorced over toothpaste tubes.  Squeezing it the wrong way.  Leaving the cap off.  Don't do that.  It's ridiculous and stupid.  If you don't like the way your spouse handles a toothpaste tube, buy your own tube for crying out loud and forget about it.

5. Remember You Are Marrying A Real Person and Not an Ideal.   I think when we are young we all have an idea of what our perfect spouse would be like.  But then we end up marrying a real person.  A person who is not perfect. A person who maybe gets tired and grumpy.  A person who maybe gains weight or loses their hair or makes a bad financial decision.   And we have to extend grace.

6. Remember That You Aren't Perfect.  Every time I'm tempted to get mad at my husband for one his shortcomings, I remember the numerous shortcomings I have.  I am certainly NOT perfect (shocking..I know), so I can't very well expect him to be.

7.  Let Final Decision Making Rest On the Person the Decision Most Affects I've breastfed all my kids.  Which means that all the night-wakings would fall on me...since babies wake up and need to be fed.  Which means I choose to co-sleep...because I love co-sleeping and I hate getting up at night and I absolutely hate hearing babies cry, so co-sleeping allows myself and the baby to get the sleep we need. It works really well for me.  I realize it doesn't for everyone...but for me..it's the perfect solution to babies waking up at night.   People always ask how to get their husband on board with co-sleeping.  Well I can't speak for other husbands, but mine is more than willing to let me make decisions like this, because the decision primarily affects me.  And he knows that if I am well rested, everyone is happier.  However, he makes the parenting decisions that affect him. He watches way more movies with the kids than I ever do.  Which means he sometimes chooses to show them movies that I would not choose to show them.   But since he's watching the movies and I trust that he loves our children and has their best interests in mind, I let him choose whether or not to show a Sherlock Holmes murder mystery to a 10-year old.

8. Your marriage doesn't have to look like anyone else's.  It doesn't have to look like your parents' marriage or your friends' marriage or my marriage.  You don't have to go on date nights every week if you can't swing it.  You don't have to turn Valentine's Day into a big deal just because your sister's husband makes it a big deal. Every couple needs to find out what works for them.

9. Trust is important.  I am nosey.  Like super nosey.  Honestly, that's why I love reading blogs and being on Facebook. I'm nosey about everyone else's life.   Occasionally that can annoy my husband.  Because nosey people are annoying....I know that..even though I'm one of them.   So he's had to learn that my nosiness is not a lack of trust, but just a rather annoying fault. 

 10.  Sex is important and you should prioritize it (<blush>..my MOM reads my blog..so I'm blushing as I write this).  It's totally true though.  One of the worst things a couple can do is turn sex into a power play or one person withholding it to "punish" the other person.  I think a lot of marriages break up over that one thing.

11.  Extend grace when it comes to finances.   They say a lot of marriages break up over finances.  Which I can totally believe because finances are tricky.  I think it's important to extend some grace.  Everyone wastes money occasionally or makes poor financial decisions at times.   So, extending grace to your spouse when they make a mistake is super important.

12. Love flourishes in the every day.  There's a lot of marriage books and website out there that emphasize the important of "getting away" and "weekly date nights" and all that.  Those things can be wonderful, but you don't need them for a happy  marriage.  You really don't.  Don't make the happiness of your marriage dependent on romantic weekend getaways or date nights.  Because there will be seasons in life when those things just aren't possible.  And you can still have a happy marriage and let love flourish when those things aren't possible  Yes, you do need to spend time together, but it doesn't have to be outside your house.  Even just a simple hug can bring about connection.  Physical connection is important.  Laughing is important. But it doesn't need to be planned and it doesn't need to be away. 

13. Don't pit your marriage against your children.  A lot of people out there talk about how you should always prioritize your marriage above your children.   I think that's ridiculous. It's not one against the other.   Sometimes kids WILL come first.   And sometimes your spouse will. Check out a post from the early days of this blog.  Who's on First?

14. Try to make life easier for the other person.  It's the little things you do for another person that make a marriage.  Putting gas in their car.  Washing the dishes.  Making their lunch/coffee/tea.  Whatever you can do to make their life easier.  

What about you?  What lessons have you learned during your marriage?

(Also linking up with Blessed is She)

How to Have a Happy Marriage - a Quiz

It's our 14th wedding anniversary today! So that makes me a marriage expert, right? 

Wrong..but it certainly qualifies me to write a fun marriage quiz.  Because we all love quizzes.  And I HAVE managed to stay (mostly) happily married for 14 years...despite plenty of poorer and not so much richer.   

And this one doesn't even have all the answers as e. 

1.  If your wife asks you for marital tips you should.

     a. ignore her

     b. say the wife is always right

     c. give some romantic answer

     d. suddenly go find something to clean

2. If you see a job that needs to be done you should

     a. do it

     b. wait for your spouse to do it

     c. nag your spouse to do it

     d. spend an hour discussing who should do the job and whose turn it is, blah, blah, blah

3. If your spouse makes dinner and you hate it you should 

    a. thank him/her and tell him/her it looks and tastes great

    b. check for arsenic 

    c. eat a little bit and them make yourself peanut butter and jelly

    d. offer to make dinner the next night 

5. If you spouse isn't answering their cell phone you should.

    a. freak out and convince yourself they are dead somewhere

    b. call them repeatedly

    c. assume the worst

    d. take a deep breath and assume the best 

6. Should you do what this guy did?

    a. yes

    b. no  

7. You like to roll the toothpaste and your spouse is a squeezer.  You should

   a. insist he/she does it your way

   b. just get your own rolls of toothpaste and don't worry about it.

8. Your wife buys too many vitamins.  Should you

   a. yell at her

   b. confiscate her credit card

   c. accept the fact that she is a crunchy, weirdo freak and even take the vitamins she gives you

   d. let her buy them but refuse to take them

9. Time are tough.  Should you

   a. take it out on each other

   b. take it out on the kids

   c. take up a bad habit (like Diet Coke)

   d. pray more

10. Are weekly date nights without the kids vital for a happy marriage.

   a. yes

   b. no...you can have a date in

   c. spending time together is important..doesn't have to be an "actual date"

   d. b and c but if you like a and have lots of babysitting, good for you 

11.  The most important characteristic of a happy marriage is:
   a. unselfishness
   b. unselfishness
   c. unselfishness
   d. unselfishness

Answers: I'm not telling.  You figure it out. 

Actually some of these could have more than one answer.  Some of them. Every marriage is different because all people are different. What works for one couple may not work for another.    

As long as you can get question 11 right, you probably can't go wrong.  And that's an easy question. 

An Open Letter to My Brother and His Fiance Four Days Before Their Wedding.

Dear Little Bro and (almost) Sister In Law,

You're getting MARRIED!  Married!  

You guys are going to take wedding vows...

for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health. 

Every marriage is different. You probably know that with Ben and I, we've mostly been blessed with mostly health (so far), and lots of poorness.

I hope you guys get all the health and all the richness (and you share some with us).  But, if you don't...I know you can count on your shared Catholic faith to see you through.

I wrote a post awhile back, called 7 Ways to Happily Every After.   Maybe you read it.  Maybe you didn't.

So, I'll just take this chance to give you some big sisterly advice....because that is what big sisters are for.

Grace and Forgiveness

The two words you need to remember at all times.  Always extend grace and forgiveness to the other person.  Grace and forgiveness are what keeps a marriage going.  Grace when your spouse doesn't live up to your expectations....and forgiveness when they hurt you.  And, keep in mind, you will do as just as much of the not living up to expectations and hurting the other person, as they will do to you.

As long as you extend grace and forgiveness...there will be a better day.

As good ole' G.K. said:

Marriage is certainly an adventure and there are some distinctly duel-like properties to it.   It's the most wonderful duel there is, however and I'm so excited for both of you.  En garde!

We love you and can't wait to see you soon!  Just as long as you don't serve this wedding cake that is.

Picture from CakeWrecks.com

Picture from CakeWrecks.  This is a cake wreck if I ever saw one!

Although there is something to be said for a purple and green peeps head bride and groom.

Sex, Love and Marriage (Weekends with Chesterton and WIWS)

Since Friday is Valentine's Day and all

Sex:

Too true, G.K., too true.  I think that pretty much sums up just about everything I want to teach my kids about sex. 

Love:

Mice are about the most unlovable thing I can think of.  Next to rats of course, but I couldn't put a picture of a rat here without having a panic attack every time I look at it. 

My kids all know that I have an intense hatred towards rodents....especially rodents that have the nerve to invade my house. 

So, these types of conversations are par for the course around here.

Greta:  Mom, would you still love John if he was a mouse?

Me: Huh?

John:  Yeah, would you still love me if I was a mouse?

Me:  Well, you couldn't be a mouse and still be my child. People only have people kids.

Heidi: Well, Stuart Little was mouse that had people parents. 

Me: Yes I would still love you if you were a mouse.  I'd have to have a little box to keep you in and keep you safe.  And, you would be much cheaper to feed, because mice only eat crumbs and seeds and stuff.  Oh, and we probably wouldn't be able to have William (our cat) if you were a mouse. 

Oddly enough, when I was pregnant with Elsa, I did have a nightmare that I gave birth to a mouse and we had to decide if we should keep it or give it anyway.   Thankfully, that is one nightmare that did not come true. 

And Marriage:

This quote is from David Copperfield, an essay Chesterton Wrote on Dickens, 1911. 

This is interesting.  For once, I'm not sure I totally agree with Mr. Chesterton.  Or, maybe it's David Copperfield I don't agree with.  Anyway, perpetual crisis seems a bit harsh. Occasionally, we do have a few (very few) non-crisis moments around here.  Just a few. 

Go see Sarah for more Chesterton. 

Since it is Sunday

Here is what I wore today (linking up with FLAP).

The shirt was an awesome 99 cent deal from the thrift store. For once I am wearing a shirt with a pattern on it. The vast majority of my clothes are solid colors, I'm not a huge fan of patterns, but I was inspired to branch out a bit.

The skirt is Talbots but super old

The boots are from Amazon.

And I froze outside taking those pictures without a coat.  The things I do for blogging.

Chesterton on Marriage

In honor of my upcoming Proposal Day -February 6th (see Ben, I DID remember), I thought I would pick a nice G.K. Chesterton quote on marriage.

Plus, I asked Heidi, who had studied G.K. Chesterton a bit in her Little Flowers group, which quote I should pick, and she told me this lovely quote.

Which never ceases to make me laugh.

And, we can all use a little more laughter in our lives, right. 

How do you like this throwback picture...taken the night before our wedding?

Not to say that marriage is like war or anything.

But. G.K. does also say that. 

Well, marriage should last until death...and there are aspects of it that duel-like, as any married person will tell you. 

Follow my advice and you'll be more likely to have a happily ever after duel, which will also no doubt be quite adventuresome.  In war, you never know what is going to happen.  The same could definitely be said for marriage.  

-------------------------------

Just because it's Sunday, here is what I wore...an action shot of me walking or something.  But ya gotta love the windswept hair 

And a still one. 

Linking up with Sarah and Fine Linen and Purple. 

7 Ways to Happily Ever After

Thirteen years ago (December 30th to be exact) my hubby and I stood before God and family and said the big I do. 

I'm wearing the same dress my grandma AND mother wore.  Three generations of women who all wore the same wedding dress in the same picture!  Talk about vintage clothing!

We were young....23 years old, fresh out of grad school.  He had graduated with his master's degree a few months earlier in Aug, and I had juuuuust finished mine in December. I like to say that I got my M.S. degree only fifteen days before getting my M.R.S. degree.

Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing.   Does anyone really when they get married?

Over the past 13 years, we've been through A LOT together....lots of stress, lots of uncertainty, lots of change and lots, and lots and lots of moves.   Our waists have grown while our bank accounts have shrunk.  We have a few more wrinkles, a few more gray hairs and a lot more life experience. 

Yet despite all that, our marriage is happier now and our love is stronger than it was back then.  It's been a long journey and we've both learned a lot along the way. We still have a lot more to learn...but I thought I would share my thoughts anyway since, hey...that's why I blog...so I can blather on about my thoughts.  So, from my humble experience, here are 7 ways to happily ever after. 

1. Comparisons are the enemy of the good.

Don't compare your spouse to other people's spouses.  I have a lot of friends with spouses who are very handy.  They would be all this weekend my husband built this adorable doll house, re-gutted the bathroom, assembled a swing-set in the back yard and installed new under-cabinet lights.  Meanwhile, I'm not even sure my husband knows what it means to re-gut a bathroom (actually I have no idea what it means either, I just have a vague recollection of hearing someone say it once) and the words some assembly required are enough to make us both break out into a cold sweat.  There will be no re-gutting of bathrooms going on around this here house.   And that's okay, because while my husband isn't handy, he has lots of talents that a lot of other men don't have.  I married an intellectual...not a handyman.  I knew that when I married him....so it's not fair to suddenly expect him to turn into Mr. Handyman.  

Likewise, I am no Martha Stewart....to be more accurate, I'm like the anti-Martha Stewart.  Ben knew that when he married me.  So, it really should come to no one's surprise that if I was a terrible housekeeper back then, I'm still a terrible housekeeper now.  I'm not crafty, I can't sew, I can't decorate, and I cook weird healthy food like kale and, sugar free peanut butter cookies made with coconut flour.  (I think he started to suspect something when I made him cookies with dates instead of chocolate chips while we were still dating).    I like to think I'm an intellectual, but having kids made me lose a few brain cells, so I'm not even sure I can wear that card anymore. 

2. Take the plank out of your own eye. 

I once got super mad at Ben for spending a small amount of money and on something silly like fast food.  I was all you're wasting money, we can't afford it, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Somehow, I totally forgot about the $230 dollar carseat I somehow convinced myself we needed, or cabinet full of unused/unopened vitamins I have or all the books I've purchased and never used.  I STILL struggle with this.  I'll get upset with him for making small purchases I deem unnecessary, while I myself have made COUNTLESS unnecessary purchases over the years.

3. Marry Up. 

I've noticed something over the years.  The people who are the happiest in their marriage, believe that they married up, they believe that they married someone better than themselves.  They are quick to recognize their own faults and their spouse's strengths.  And, both partners believe that about the other person. It's all about perceptive...not actually who is "better" (because of course, no one is really "better" than anyone else)...you just have to think your spouse is better.

4. Assume Positive Intent

This applies to basically all communication...not just marital communication.  One thing I've learned is to always assume the other person has a positive intent.  We all say things the wrong way at times or have things come out in a way that we don't mean.  Assuming the other person had a positive intent goes a long way towards smoother, easier and happier communication.

On that same scale...don't get upset if the other person doesn't do or behave exactly how you want.  A big part of marriage is accepting someone for who they are and loving them anyway.  Obviously this doesn't apply in cases of abuse or neglect or infidelity but barring those circumstances, it's important to accept that some people will always be slobs (like me) and some people will always squeeze the toothpaste wrong or throw their dirty socks on the floor, and part of being a family is learning how to live when people don't behave exactly how you would like. 

5.  Give, give and give some more. 

Marriage isn't about what you can do for me, but rather what I can do for you.  Marriage takes sacrifice, and it's better to just accept that right away. It's not always easy, in fact it's frequently not easy.  But it IS always worth it.   It's the little things spouses do for each other...things they do without expecting anything in reciprocation..just because they love the other person and want to do something nice for them that are so important. 

And one of the most important things you can give are compliments.  I LOVE it when my husband tells me I'm beautiful or that I'm a good mother.  And, I know he appreciates it when I tell him he's a good father and a hard worker and has the magic daddy touch for dealing with contrary toddlers.

6.  Have Kids Early On

Of course, sometimes infertility or other things prevent a couple from having kids right away.  But, the happiest marriages I know involved babies coming along soon after marriage.  Babies force you to be unselfish...to give of yourself completely to care for this new, tiny, helpless being.  And, the unselfishness you have in parenting carries over into marriage as well.  I will admit, I was kinda crazy when we first got married.  I had moved to a new city, didn't really have any friends, was pretty lonely...and getting pregnant just 5 months after getting married was the best thing ever for our marriage.  It really was.  That baby gave me someone else to focus on and really brought us together.  I'm sure people thought we were crazy for having a baby right away, but it really was the best thing for us. Having a baby is the best thing to give a couple a shared purpose and intention. Plus, we really love our oldest daughter and couldn't imagine life without her. 

7. Make Intimacy a Priority. 

It's important to a marriage...it really is.  And, I totally get feeling tired and touched out and all that.  But, it IS important enough to make a priority.  I get that NFP and pregnancy worries and babies/toddlers that don't sleep can make things difficult, but that connection is just so important.  It really is...even if it means giving up some sleep or putting off some cleaning (ha...any excuse to not clean, I say).

So, that is my humble advice from someone who probably has no clue...take it for what it's worth.

{Linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary) 

Thankful

Today I am thankful for:

A sinkful of dirty dishes because it means we have plenty of food.

Books all over the floor because it means we have the freedom to educate our children the way we want.

Cute kids

Pretty (and silly) girls

A husband that works hard, is an awesome daddy and always makes me laugh. Plus he sports a sexy beard. 

Grandmas

Grandpas

Uncles

Aunts

The fact that even though it's cold outside and we live in enough of a wooded area to see deer, we haven't seen any mice or evidence of mice in our house (I live in fear of mice).

All my friends...both near and fair.

And all of YOU dear readers.  Yes, I'm thankful for YOU...for taking the time to read my writing, for your comments...and for all the friends and new people I've met through the bloggy world.

Happy Thanksgiving!  May you all have a Blessed and Happy and Food-Filled Day!

(Linking up with Cari and FLAP)

Theme Thursday: Faith

Linking up with Cari and her Clan for Theme Thursday: Faith.

'Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. 

Hebrews: 11:1

And, what better way to show faith than through the sacraments.

 A sacrament is an outward sign of God's grace

I actually didn't learn that until I was teaching my own kids and working with them on the catechism.  For some reason, I never learned that through my own CCD classes!!!???

Anyway, I decided to get all fancy and make a collage of pictures from various sacraments our family has experienced.
One Wedding
Four Baptisms
Two First Communions.

And there ya go...our family's sacrament collage. 

How We Met

I've been meaning to write this for awhile so one day my kids can read it and laugh and giggle about what dorks their parents are.  And then I noticed that Grace at Camp Patton is having a "how we met link-up" and it was JUST the motivation I needed to get my fingers in gear and type this up. 

So, we met Labor Day, 1999 in Cumberland Falls State Park, KY. 

The End.

Ok, ok...so I guess you all want the WHOLE story. 

I had just moved to Lexington, KY a few weeks prior to pursue a Master's Degree in Reproductive Physiology of dairy cows (seriously people..not joking there at all, you can actually get a degree in that) from the University of Kentucky, and Ben was in his second year of his Master's Degree program in Medieval Spanish Literature (sadly..not joking on that either...as I said...we're dorks) at that same prestigious university that had just the year prior won the 1998 NCAA basketball championships.  One of the first things I learned upon arriving in the land of the Bluegrass is that in Kentucky, basketball is religion. 

Anyway, the Newman Center on campus was hosting one of its famous KY mountain hikes.. and as fate would have it, both Ben and I found ourselves in that big passenger van heading into the mountains of Kentucky for a Labor Day hike. 

We didn't actually "meet", however, until the van stopped, we both stepped out, and I noticed that Ben was hiking barefoot.   For some reason,  I was very impressed by that.  Now I just think it's weird...but it definitely explains why our children run around barefoot everywhere. 

Anyway, we spent that whole hike talking...a lot...and discovered that we had a lot in common.  We were both vegetarians and both very "Franciscan" in that we liked simplicity and didn't put a high value on material possessions.  Now, we're both avowed meat-lovers and not nearly so simple.   

We ended up becoming best friends pretty quickly and somehow both volunteered to lead a graduate student bible study that no one else ever showed up for.  Ha ha...so we got lots of time together.

Our first official date was to Mass and then to a crunchy, healthy, vegetarian restaurant called Everybody's in Lexington.   Where, as legend goes,  as we were walking there, I walked on the opposite side of the sidewalk as Ben...that's how he tells the story, anyway. 

In October, we took another trip to Cumberland Falls to watch the moonbow where we had a serious talk and decided that we were either going to get married or Ben was going to become a monk...yes, this was only about 6 weeks after we met and before we "officially" started "dating."  

In November,  Ben chose me over the monastery and we officially became a couple.  That Thanksgiving, we took a trip together with another friend to her home in Michigan (Hi Kathy!) and stayed with her wonderful family over Thanksgiving break.  We had a great time.

On Feb. 6th, 2000, so about 5 months after we started dating, Ben proposed and I think I said something profound like of course, I'll marry you., like there was never any question...because when you know it's the right person, you just know. 

I think during spring break that year we went to Nashville and I met his family, and during the summer we went to Rhode Island and he met mine. 

I also was doing my master's thesis research trial and spent that summer and the following fall writing my thesis...and planning a wedding.

In August 2000, Ben finished his master's thesis, was awarded his master's degree and then moved to Louisville, KY and took a job teaching Spanish at a small Catholic school.  I stayed in Lexington until Dec. 15th when I defended my thesis and got my M.S. degree.  Then, two short weeks later, we flew to RI, and I got my M.R.S. degree on December 30th, 2000 in Newport.

Despite the snowstorm, it was a beautiful wedding surrounded by family and friends.

I moved to Louisville with Ben, and we started our life together...and the rest, as they say, is history.  Four children, two many moves to count (from KY to TN to NH to RI to FL and back to RI...and we ain't done moving yet).  We'll be celebrating our 13th anniversary this December.   Life has definitely been an adventure, with lots of ups and downs, but I know that God put the right person in my path that fateful Labor Day back in 1999.

Children: Burden or Blessing?

I recently came across an article entitled The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life.   To be quite honest, I found it to be disturbing and my heart aches for her adult children who had such a hurtful statement publicly published about them.   But, I don't necessarily think she is/was a horrible mother.  She is just putting into words what our culture teaches.  

The article is full of quotes like this:

 I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

I'm wondering how she knows her marriage would have been better without the children?   It says in the article that her husband dearly wanted children...so perhaps not having them would have driven a rift between the couple? Who knows?

But, I do know that marriage is about sacrifice and compromise.  It is about putting the other person first and giving as much as your are getting.   I believe that many marriages fail because people believe that marriage is about What can you give me? instead of What can I give you?

Raising children is definitely a sacrifice and lots of hard work and a huge load of putting the other person first.  However,  many couples find that their marriage improves with the addition of children because the more one makes sacrifices and puts another person's needs first, the easier it becomes.  The sacrifices we make for our children, carry over into our marriage and make it stronger.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

 Again, how can she know what her life would have been like without children?  Would she have been happier?  I don't know.  But, I do know that someone  like Mother Teresa who spent her whole life serving others, seemed to be very happy.   I know that in my own life...times when I am the least selfish (and I can be very selfish at times) are the times when I am the happiest.   For it is in giving of ourselves that we receive (from the Prayer of St. Francis which St. Francis probably never said). 

What I valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn't there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding on it. And I've never got that peace back.

Don't we all?  She sounds seriously introverted.  I am somewhat introverted myself...and I do oftentimes long for more peace and quiet and time to reflect.  But, I don't for one second believe that having more peace and time to myself would make me happier.  A little more would be nice....but not a huge, empty void of childless peace. 

 I never wanted to hurt Stuart - I only wanted him to prosper and thrive. There is no doubt I grew to love him very much, and indeed still do. But I always wished I had never had him.

This statement seems rather paradoxical to me.  Love does not wish someone didn't exist. I do not understand how one could say in the same sentence I love you, but I wish you had never been born. For, if she hadn't had him..he would not be here.  She later talks about her son's wife and his two children...I bet they are happy he exists.   I bet her son and daughter have both touched the loves of countless other people...people who ARE happy they exist.

  It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

This is true...very, very true.  But, that's not a bad thing.  Losing our natural, inborn selfishness is not a bad thing...in fact it is a very good thing.  But, our culture tells you that it is.  Our culture says that children are a burden, so hurry up and have your two kids and get them weaned and sleeping through the night and off to school and out of the house as soon as possible, so we don't have to be burdened with them anymore.   Once they are gone, we will have the freedom to jet off to Italy and eat at fancy restaurants and read important books and pursue big careers...because those things have so much more value than bringing new life into the world and raising children.  Our society tells us that being a burden is bad...so it's best if all the babies with down syndrome or other health issues requiring special care are aborted...and the old people, or those who are terminally ill, or in a coma...well they aren't worth anything either...so let's just euthanize them.

But that's all lies I tell you..all lies.  Everyone comes into this world as a helpless, newborn baby.  Everyone comes into this world as a burden.   As a burden..but also as a blessing.   Every person's life is valuable..and I find it incredibly sad that Ms. Dutton does not see the value of her own children's lives.  Sad...but not surprising.

It is her tragedy that eight years ago she developed multiple sclerosis and had to give up her job as a chef. She is now bed-bound and lives with Tony and me.
I am her full-time carer and if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would. She knows I would do anything to relieve her suffering and that I will care for her as long as I am able. I am 57 now and as I approach old age, I have an ever-more dependent daughter.
Yet I would cut off my right arm if she or Stuart needed it.
And that, maybe, is the paradox. I am a conscientious and caring parent - yet perhaps I would have resented my children less had I not been.

When it comes right down to it, it does sound as though Ms. Dutton does love her children...it's a shame that she didn't value them and their human dignity enough to not publicly or privately state how much she regrets them.  It's a shame that our society views children as a burden.  And, it's even more of a shame how many children aren't born because people don't want to be burdened with a blessing.

Who's on first?

This article recently popped up in my Facebook feed. It's all about how Giuliana Rancic,

Look at all the priests we had at our wedding.

who by the way I have no idea who she is, because I tend to be super clueless about celebrities and pop culture and all that, said she puts her marriage first before her baby.  Why this is news, I don't know, because I personally don't care too much about celebrities. However, the article did get me thinking about who's on first...as in who is my first priority.

 I find it to be an odd question actually...Who comes first..kids or marriage?. It seems like just another way to pit parenting style against parenting style. The marriage first people are all:  

My marriage comes first because that is the base of our family, and we never, ever, ever, ever, let our kids in our bed, and we leave our kids with a babysitter once a week for date night and twice a year for weekends away. And, when my husband and I are talking, my kids never, ever interrupt, and when my husband comes home, all my focus is on him.

Who lives like that? And, who has enough babysitters or preferably family, willing to watch their kids so they can go away on vacations alone twice a year...because whoever does I kinda want them to adopt me. (Just kidding, Mom).

And, then the kids first people are all:

We choose to have kids, and every single second of my day is devoted to my kids and if they so much as make a peep we come running, and we would never, ever, ever leave them with a babysitter or go to any childless functions and we spend every single second of every single day focused on them.

And to that, I just say...Are you crazy..because you must have way more patience than I do.
 
And, really...who does either of those things? Because, the truth is that priorities change...they change with the season, they change with the stage and they change in the moment. Sometimes the baby cries and wakes up and is fussy and wants to nurse .all.the.time and then she takes priority. And, sometimes Heidi needs help with a math problem or Greta needs help with her writing and that takes priority. Sometimes, John needs something or is having a tantrum, and he takes priority. And, sometimes, Ben and I are trying to have a conversation or spend time together and we kick all the kids (except the baby) out of a room so we can share a meal together or talk without anyone interrupting, and marriage take priority. And, sometimes Ben himself takes priority, like when I have to hold his hand while he fills out the bar application...except I can't literally hold it, since he needs his hands for typing and mouse clicking and all that. And, sometimes it is the hunk of meat sizzling on the stove that takes priority..because if I don't attend to it, it will burn. And, I would never, ever just walk away from something on the stove and let it burn. And, sometimes I take priority...because I'm working out or taking a shower or getting dressed or writing or doing some other totally pressing thing like Facebook and then I yell loudly call for someone else to pick up the baby or make John a peanut butter sandwich or whatever someone needs at the moment. And ,hopefully, all the the time, God takes priority..although not necessarily in hours spent in prayer each day, but in the way we live our lives, the way we treat others and the way we do our work. I know there is some famous quote about that...something about how a mother is called to leave the alter of prayer and find her Lord in the dirty dishes and daily work..or something like that. I don't know the exact quote or how to look it up, but I've always liked it.

Being part of a family is all about balancing each family member's needs, as they are, at the present moment.   It's not about who is most important or who takes priority or which came first, but about helping everyone work harmoniously together. Or at least that's the way it should be...not saying that's always the way it is..just the way it should be and the ideal we strive towards. I don't see my marriage or my kids as being more important...they both are..and they each take priority in different times and different seasons and different moments.